For years I've maintained a perfect facade. I was an actress skilled enough that I should have won a few academy awards. This past winter I was deeply inspired by "Shadows in the Sun" a memoir on depression. The author's truth made me realize I needed to start by being honest, with myself and with others. This is the first step and I am blogging it along the way in hopes to help anyone who may be struggling with something similar, or at least give hope that you're not alone.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Job Dilemma
So today I got my first job offer since being laid off. While I was very happy to receive it, I don't feel like it's the right job for me. The organization actually helps people with anxiety and depression- which is my lifetime goal to do just that. But, the salary is significantly lower than what I wanted to take and only about $5k higher than unemployment, and the job would be 'easy' for me, not very challenging, and there's really no room for advancement. I fear that I would get in there, get bored after 6 months, and then be job hunting again. I was in that pattern with jobs for quite some time- my last job was the first one I could see myself staying at for longer than a year. I like and need a challenge. And, as my Mom pointed out, for as anxious as I am I somehow do really well under a crazy amount of pressure- I am much more anxious when things are too calm. Try to figure that one out, I dare ya! After all the craziness of getting laid off, I would rather take something I could see myself doing for a long time. There is another job in the works that I should hear back from next week. The salary will be higher and the job much more challenging, but the biggest concern I have is that he job requires me to be very extroverted. While I can 'play' the role of an extrovert very well (my name on here is Perfect Facade for a reason)- I do get drained. Also, it would require a lot of night and weekend time so my free time would be minimal. Luckily, I have at least a week to think on it before knowing if they will offer me anything. I feel so goofy turning the first job offer down- I've been unemployed for over two months! This is for a cause I love and am very personally attached to! But something in my gut tells me that while I may be connected to this organization in the future, this just isn't the right job for me. I feel crazy but I have to listen to my gut at the same time. Since I have at least a week any way, I plan to continue exploring opportunities and seeing what other jobs might be out there. I also plan to pray, big time. So far, prayer has really helped guide me in the right direction in various aspects of my life. I want to share an anxiety attack technique that my Therapist taught me (no worries, you can pay me the $200 it cost me to get this advise....just kidding!). When you're in the midst of an anxiety attack, you often feel as though it is written all over your face- and you wonder why people aren't concerned or asking you what's wrong. It's hard to break this obsession. If you step back for a moment and realize that you are in a room with sound, logical person(s) who, if you were in fact in crisis, would respond, it gives you the slight peace of mind that you still have yourself together, at least as far as outside appearance. This has made a significant impact on my anxiety. I still have attacks, but I am far less obsessive over whether or not anyone else is noticing. Instead, I trust that if they did, they would respond properly. While trust is very difficult for us anxiety-prone people, it is very freeing once you teach yourself how to start giving it a little.
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