Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Stuck
Today I'm feeling stuck. Very stuck. Stuck in a job I don't love but can't leave because I need the money. Stuck in a house that my husband picked out before he met me- and while I have made changes to make it mine as well, I was not involved with picking the house and therefore will never 100% feel as though it's mine. Stuck because as much as my heart desires a 'move' I know that a 'move' would bring about a short demographic cure, but not fix this stuck feeling. For I have felt stuck before and know this very well. I am stcuk in myself, not moving forward, after all these years. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. I just 'show up' for life but I don't particularly enjoy it. Time just passes me by- meanwhile, I'm just stuck.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Giving Up the Window Seat
My husband and I recently traveled together and on our way into the plane coming home I thought to myself "Give him the window seat." This may not seem like a big deal to some but let me explain.
We've known each other for a little over four years. When we met, I made it CLEAR that I MUST ALWAYS HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT. Much like my other high maintenance travel demands, he smiled and willingly caved, never arguing or even so much as asking if he could have it just one time. All the sudden, last evening, I found myself wanting to give him the window seat. Why? Because I realized that I have been selfish. I have been taking the more comfortable seat with the better view for four years, because I had someone who was willing to give it to me. I realized I no longer wanted to be selfish, and do something nice for him. When I told him to take the window seat, he was so taken aback that he said "No, you take it" and insisted on still giving it to me. I sat in my usual window seat, except this time it didn't feel comfortable. I wanted to follow through on my desire and allow him the opportunity to sit there. I stated that I would feel much happier if he took the window seat, so we switched. Once he got comfortable, I saw the smile on his face and the light in his eyes as he said a very genuine 'Thank you'. I felt at peace and happy.
I know to many people giving up a window seat is so little and simple, but to me it was rather profound. To me it represented that after 2.5 years of marriage, I am finally willing to put my husband first and show him a small act of kindness in appreciation of everything he does for me. Mainly, the fact that he waited 2.5 years for me to finally give up that window seat.
We've known each other for a little over four years. When we met, I made it CLEAR that I MUST ALWAYS HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT. Much like my other high maintenance travel demands, he smiled and willingly caved, never arguing or even so much as asking if he could have it just one time. All the sudden, last evening, I found myself wanting to give him the window seat. Why? Because I realized that I have been selfish. I have been taking the more comfortable seat with the better view for four years, because I had someone who was willing to give it to me. I realized I no longer wanted to be selfish, and do something nice for him. When I told him to take the window seat, he was so taken aback that he said "No, you take it" and insisted on still giving it to me. I sat in my usual window seat, except this time it didn't feel comfortable. I wanted to follow through on my desire and allow him the opportunity to sit there. I stated that I would feel much happier if he took the window seat, so we switched. Once he got comfortable, I saw the smile on his face and the light in his eyes as he said a very genuine 'Thank you'. I felt at peace and happy.
I know to many people giving up a window seat is so little and simple, but to me it was rather profound. To me it represented that after 2.5 years of marriage, I am finally willing to put my husband first and show him a small act of kindness in appreciation of everything he does for me. Mainly, the fact that he waited 2.5 years for me to finally give up that window seat.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Hope from Rainbows
Yesterday was a rough day, physically and mentally. I found myself questioning if I would ever feel better or be able to find a brighter side to life. I arrived at my Therapist appointment much earlier than usual and since it was nice outside decided to stroll around the building while I waited. I couldn't find a bench so I sat down on a grassy hill and played some music from my Iphone. About 10 minutes (give or take) after I sat down, I looked up and noticed this rainbow:
Note that there was no rain, the entire day. Upon seeing this I was awestruck- and had the feeling it was meant for me as a message from God/the Universe/someone that I am being looked after, and there is hope for a brighter future. This really resonated with me because I had the SAME THING happen a few weeks ago, in a completely different location. Again, there had been no rain that day and I found myself in a location that I would typically not travel to- and again, happened to look up and find a rainbow:
The fact that this has happened to me twice in a few weeks is something I do not see as a coincidence. I believe I am receiving messages of hope that I wanted to share on here in hopes of sharing the wonderful feeling that was given to me. I am truly blessed.
Note that there was no rain, the entire day. Upon seeing this I was awestruck- and had the feeling it was meant for me as a message from God/the Universe/someone that I am being looked after, and there is hope for a brighter future. This really resonated with me because I had the SAME THING happen a few weeks ago, in a completely different location. Again, there had been no rain that day and I found myself in a location that I would typically not travel to- and again, happened to look up and find a rainbow:
The fact that this has happened to me twice in a few weeks is something I do not see as a coincidence. I believe I am receiving messages of hope that I wanted to share on here in hopes of sharing the wonderful feeling that was given to me. I am truly blessed.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
My Perception vs. Reality
Lately I've been feeling like I'm back to low- back down to how I was before I started medicine. However, when I share this feeling with friends and family they tell me that they think I've improved since coming off of the medicine. These are all people who would be honest with me so I find that rather surprising, and I wonder how truly different my perception is from theirs. Is my perception merely jaded by a depressed and anxious mind? In my perception, I am doing horribly. Feeling mentally and physically like crap all the time, yet I guess I can't really be doing that bad based off what others are saying?
I also find myself at a personal and profesional crossroad of sorts- since 2007 I thought I wanted to be in the training field but recently I have felt myself shifting from that. I have much more desire to connect with people 1:1 and in a meaningful way. I just feel lost.
I also find myself at a personal and profesional crossroad of sorts- since 2007 I thought I wanted to be in the training field but recently I have felt myself shifting from that. I have much more desire to connect with people 1:1 and in a meaningful way. I just feel lost.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Rising Above Dark Waters
I find myself feeling crappy again today. I am trying my best to think about and emulate the lotus flower.
During my first time attending Yoga Nidra, the instructor used a guided meditation which involved lily pads and lotus flowers. In the meditation she spoke that despite the muddiness of the water that lies beneath it, the lotus flower chooses to rise above and bloom. If any water gets splashed onto the flower, it rolls right off and remains beuatiful. I found this to be an immensely powerful analogy to depression and mental health struggles in general. I find myself feeling like I am in the midst of the water and it is very hard to find my way out. The lotus flower gives me hope that it is possible.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
All kinds of -ated
Today I find myself all kinds of -ated
I find myself thinking about times in my life when I felt happier- what was I doing? Truth is, I'm not really sure. There are times that I look back in my life and believe I was happier, but I am not sure if I truly felt happier in that moment or if I just think I was happier when I look back. I need to spend more time living in the present and trying to improve my mindset and attitude instead of constantly looking back and constantly worrying about what might happen in the future.
I just thought of this analogy for depression:
I feel like I'm walking in the woods and it's raining and I'm stuck in a mud pit. Physically I cannot remove myself from the mud pit. I start getting mad at everyone in my life- why is no one there to help me from this mud pit? Then I realize that I am the only one who got stuck in this mud pit and I am the only one who can truly get myself out of it. The first step is believing that I can. Believing in my mind that the clouds have parted and there is sunshine on my face. Believing I find the strength to physically remove myself from the mud pit. Believing I stand up with pride, look back down, and find it hard to believe how I ever got there in the first place. Asking family and friends for help while I work to keep myself away from the mud pit, which constantly calls my name as it yearns to drag me back down. This is the daily process of depression.
- Agitated
- Constipated
- Irritated
- Frustrated
- Discombobulated
I find myself thinking about times in my life when I felt happier- what was I doing? Truth is, I'm not really sure. There are times that I look back in my life and believe I was happier, but I am not sure if I truly felt happier in that moment or if I just think I was happier when I look back. I need to spend more time living in the present and trying to improve my mindset and attitude instead of constantly looking back and constantly worrying about what might happen in the future.
I just thought of this analogy for depression:
I feel like I'm walking in the woods and it's raining and I'm stuck in a mud pit. Physically I cannot remove myself from the mud pit. I start getting mad at everyone in my life- why is no one there to help me from this mud pit? Then I realize that I am the only one who got stuck in this mud pit and I am the only one who can truly get myself out of it. The first step is believing that I can. Believing in my mind that the clouds have parted and there is sunshine on my face. Believing I find the strength to physically remove myself from the mud pit. Believing I stand up with pride, look back down, and find it hard to believe how I ever got there in the first place. Asking family and friends for help while I work to keep myself away from the mud pit, which constantly calls my name as it yearns to drag me back down. This is the daily process of depression.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)