Hump Dayyyy

So today I officially turned the job down. I felt so guilty...I think my guilt is a combo of anxiety and growing up Catholic- double whammy. I felt like I was breaking up with someone and it wasn't easy. They were so nice, and tried to convince me to take the job. My logic side was saying "You idiot!, just take it...its a job and the company wants you" but I still had the same thoughts on the actual job being offered. I feel that this whole job search process is so similar to dating, and just how I felt before I met my husband- I really want to meet a job I feel like I could stay at for a long time (at least a few years). I also know I want to be a Mother (even though that scares the living daylights out of me) within the next few years, so I want somewhere that I can see myself becoming a parent while working there. I actually stayed in bed until 1pm today. I woke up originally at 7am when I heard my husband getting ready for work and stayed up until about 8:30, then went back to sleep and got woken up around 9:30 by a phone call from a former coworker which was a nice surprise. Then, true to form, I went bak to sleep setting my alarm for 10am, 11am, etc, and didn't get out of bed until 1pm. I think I was just avoiding the 'break up' with the job which I knew I had to do today. I did write the woman who interviewed me a nice email explaining that I want to keep in contact with her and would volunteer if she has anything available, so we will see. I saw one of my girl friends this afternoon and we went into a store- I was nervous because shopping often brings on the light headed feeling for me. It was not so bad today, and we had to wait n the register line (often triggers anxiety/lightheadedness) but I did okay, so that was an accomplishment. I finally have my appointment with the TMJ specialist tomorrow which is about a year overdue. I am really hoping its the first step to recovery. He is expensive- $125 for my first visit tomorrow and I'm sure he will tell me I need a follow up appointment which I'm sure will be more expensive. That's how it always works. My random anxiety thought for the day is wondering how much anxiety is connected to memory. I barely remember my childhood, and there are a lot of things even from my adult life that I don't remember. Sometimes, if someone mentions something to me that happened, that will help me remember but that doesn't always work. I wonder if everyone with anxiety has that same problem. It makes me wonder what my life was really like, and how different it was from my foggy, anxiety-prone memory. I almost wish I could have 'A Christmas Story' or 'Its a Wonderful Life' type of experience and view what actually happened vs. what I remember. I would bet that I would be stunned at the number of things I didn't remember happened, or recalled completely differently. It would be an interesting experiment. BTW, Iam still on Lexapro 20mg. Not so thrilled about it but not really sure what to do to change. Kind of feel like I need to address the TMJ issue first, so we'll see. I promise to keep the blog updated as a public information service (doesn't that sound fancy?)