Today was a difficult one. I felt myself again feeling very lost and down, wondering what is my purpose in this world (if I have one). I used to feel I did- which is what helped pull me through my teenage years of depression. In college I believed I did as well, then grad school. It all came to shambles when what I thought was my dream career started falling apart around me. That was in 2013- two years later I'm still asking myself who I am, what I was meant to be, and feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
I feel completely unmotivated to go into an empty office with no human interaction and no one that cares if I am there. I feel so very disconnected from myself, my faith, and the world. For me, this is one of the utterly worst feelings I can experience yet I find myself in it again and without knowing how to escape.
This is mental dis-ease, I suppose.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Attitude
This week I have been SO irritated. I've woken up every week day since Monday IRRITATED that I had to go into my office. You see, I'm the only one in my department that needs to be in our physical office every day. So, I got bitter, angry, resentful, and IRRITATED. Why am I being picked on? Why am I being forced to come in when nobody else is?
I have realized how LAME and CRAPPY my attitude is. With many people struggling to make an income, I find myself complaining about having an office to go into. Catholic guilt (from a childhood of being raised catholic) sets in. Seems like a true "first world problem" doesn't it?
I hav also realized how much my attitude needs to change. I need to be grateful for my blessings, including having a job to feel 'irritated' about. Maybe if my attitude changes, circumstances will change for the better as well. Of course this is MUCH easier said than done. I guess that's the first step, realizing a shift needs to happen. Next is the 'how'- still working on that one.
I have realized how LAME and CRAPPY my attitude is. With many people struggling to make an income, I find myself complaining about having an office to go into. Catholic guilt (from a childhood of being raised catholic) sets in. Seems like a true "first world problem" doesn't it?
I hav also realized how much my attitude needs to change. I need to be grateful for my blessings, including having a job to feel 'irritated' about. Maybe if my attitude changes, circumstances will change for the better as well. Of course this is MUCH easier said than done. I guess that's the first step, realizing a shift needs to happen. Next is the 'how'- still working on that one.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Therapy and Meditation
Today I really didn't want to go to Therapy. I didn't feel like driving and I just didn't feel like I was up for it. Luckily, the financial obligation of having to pay if I cancelled last minute was enough to force myeself to go. I quickly realized that the times you really don't feel like going are the times you really need to go.
Truth be told, I have come back to the plce where I don't feel like doing anything, or going anywhere, so I knew therapy was not really the problem. My Therapist and I had discussed last week of taking more of a cognitive approach and so this week she was challenging some of my thoughts. As she spoke, I logically knew she was correct but emotionally I could feel my head fighting back with her- my head is quite stubborn and not going down easily. Some key concepts we focused on were just because you have a feeling and you believe it to be true that does not necessarily mean that it is true. This is something I understand at a logical level but again my emotions want to fight it with all the gusto they have. She also mentioned to me that I need to be more nurturing to myself, which is something that again I have logically been aware of for quite sometime but, to be honest, have not practiced. This will be immensely difficult as it does not come naturally. I am up for the challenge and willing to give it a try.
Since I like to share resources I find- last night I came across a free 21-day online meditation series. It just started yesterday so here's the link: https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience. I was always very resistant to meditation- then about 50 different people over the course of the past seven years have told me I needed to try it- so I finally started a few months ago. While I would consider myself a beginner, I am enjoying it more than I thought I would and I do find it relaxing (a word normally foreign to my being). So, if you are a stubborn ox like myself, my advice is to get over yourself and just try it :).
Truth be told, I have come back to the plce where I don't feel like doing anything, or going anywhere, so I knew therapy was not really the problem. My Therapist and I had discussed last week of taking more of a cognitive approach and so this week she was challenging some of my thoughts. As she spoke, I logically knew she was correct but emotionally I could feel my head fighting back with her- my head is quite stubborn and not going down easily. Some key concepts we focused on were just because you have a feeling and you believe it to be true that does not necessarily mean that it is true. This is something I understand at a logical level but again my emotions want to fight it with all the gusto they have. She also mentioned to me that I need to be more nurturing to myself, which is something that again I have logically been aware of for quite sometime but, to be honest, have not practiced. This will be immensely difficult as it does not come naturally. I am up for the challenge and willing to give it a try.
Since I like to share resources I find- last night I came across a free 21-day online meditation series. It just started yesterday so here's the link: https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience. I was always very resistant to meditation- then about 50 different people over the course of the past seven years have told me I needed to try it- so I finally started a few months ago. While I would consider myself a beginner, I am enjoying it more than I thought I would and I do find it relaxing (a word normally foreign to my being). So, if you are a stubborn ox like myself, my advice is to get over yourself and just try it :).
Monday, July 13, 2015
Which Way is Up?
This past weekend involved a trip away with my husband. Weather was very nice and activities were (designed to be) relaxing. So, what do I do? I continue to make myself feel like crap by continuing to live in crapland in my mind. The majority of the weekend while my husband was relaxing and having fun I was too busy occupied in my own head with relentless, self sabotaging thoughts.
This weekend reminded me of why I decided to get on medicine several years back. I feel so mentally ill and, as a result, physcially ill as well. It is very taxing and exhausting, and I don't know how to get out of something that seems to have taken over my mind, body, and spirit. I know getting back onto medicine (at least right now) is not the right move for me. I would not feel comfortable becoming pregnant while on medicine for fear of potential side effects. However, I absolutely refuse to pass on these traits (genetically speaking) and also model depressive/anxious behaviors in front of my children. So, I'm at a catch 22 and not sure how to move forward. The idea of not being able to be a Mom haunts me and kills my spirit.
Overall, I feel that my depression and anxiety are feeling very powerful as of late and tearing down any happiness I have. They are fighting me really hard as they do not want to go anywhere, since they have been very powerful over me for my entire lifespan.
At this point, I am wondering which way is up and questioning how to get there. I feel that I have no other option to do but to pray.
This weekend reminded me of why I decided to get on medicine several years back. I feel so mentally ill and, as a result, physcially ill as well. It is very taxing and exhausting, and I don't know how to get out of something that seems to have taken over my mind, body, and spirit. I know getting back onto medicine (at least right now) is not the right move for me. I would not feel comfortable becoming pregnant while on medicine for fear of potential side effects. However, I absolutely refuse to pass on these traits (genetically speaking) and also model depressive/anxious behaviors in front of my children. So, I'm at a catch 22 and not sure how to move forward. The idea of not being able to be a Mom haunts me and kills my spirit.
Overall, I feel that my depression and anxiety are feeling very powerful as of late and tearing down any happiness I have. They are fighting me really hard as they do not want to go anywhere, since they have been very powerful over me for my entire lifespan.
At this point, I am wondering which way is up and questioning how to get there. I feel that I have no other option to do but to pray.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Taking the Trash Out
My husband and I sat on the couch together Sunday evening and he said "I really enjoyed this weekend." I saw his genuine smile and the light in his eyes. My first thought was "What? How? This weekend was far from good." My mind quickly began going back over how for most of the weekend I was tired, feeling congested, and obsessing over how something 'must be' physically wrong with me. Then I realized something pretty significant. I am a believer in 'The Secret' aka the law of attraction yet I had been saying out loud ALL weekend how tired I was, and how something must be wrong with me. Better yet, for the 100 times I said something out loud there were at least 500 more that the thoughts were running through my head with immense power. According to the law of attraction, I am making myself feel like crap by giving all of these thoughts so much power. I started crying because I felt bad that I was so negative after he had been so positive, and I was upset that my natural reaction is to be that negative. I have embraced crying as of late and see it as a healthy form of release. I then decided that starting today I would take out the trash, aka the obsessive negative self depricating thoughts, and focus on the positive.
I started my day off by going to work...a job I less than admire. I made it in on time and put a good effort in to get things done. While I wasn't 'thrilled' to be there I was there. I caught myself drifting into the dream land of 'what job do I want?' thinking and would try to pull myself back in and focus on the tasks at hand. It wasn't easy, especially when I hit a mental wall around 3pm. I stayed until 5pm and then eagerly rushed out the door. For today, that was an accomplishment.
I still feel as though I am floundering with 100 thoughts in my mind at any given moment- what should I do to be happy? What should I be when I grow up? When (if ever) will I feel ready to be a Mom? And many more. On Friday morning I tried out a craniosacral massage- very light touch and also spiritual- meant to remove blockages from your body. I found the process to be very interesting and noted that it did cause my anxiety to surface quickly afterward. I worked through it and was able to stick with all the plans I had made for that evening which included visiting a friend. The massage therapist was intuitive and gave me some feedback including that I am too serious about my emotional work and need to balance it out by providing myself with opportunities for fun. True to nature after she said that I sat there and thought seriously about what I could do to give myself fun...hmm, there goes that thinking again. At the same time I am trying to be nicer to myself and cut myself some slack as I go through all of these changes. I'm a work in progress.
I started my day off by going to work...a job I less than admire. I made it in on time and put a good effort in to get things done. While I wasn't 'thrilled' to be there I was there. I caught myself drifting into the dream land of 'what job do I want?' thinking and would try to pull myself back in and focus on the tasks at hand. It wasn't easy, especially when I hit a mental wall around 3pm. I stayed until 5pm and then eagerly rushed out the door. For today, that was an accomplishment.
I still feel as though I am floundering with 100 thoughts in my mind at any given moment- what should I do to be happy? What should I be when I grow up? When (if ever) will I feel ready to be a Mom? And many more. On Friday morning I tried out a craniosacral massage- very light touch and also spiritual- meant to remove blockages from your body. I found the process to be very interesting and noted that it did cause my anxiety to surface quickly afterward. I worked through it and was able to stick with all the plans I had made for that evening which included visiting a friend. The massage therapist was intuitive and gave me some feedback including that I am too serious about my emotional work and need to balance it out by providing myself with opportunities for fun. True to nature after she said that I sat there and thought seriously about what I could do to give myself fun...hmm, there goes that thinking again. At the same time I am trying to be nicer to myself and cut myself some slack as I go through all of these changes. I'm a work in progress.
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