Against the crowd

So tonight is New Year's Eve. My husband and I have plans to go to a dance with a few other couples. True to form, I started getting nervous about hanging out with my peers as I always feel socially awkward. Then today has really set off my anxiety to FULL SPEED AHEAD. I found out everyone else in our area is taking a shuttle. In their minds, this is the best way so that they don't have to worry about drinking and driving. To me, the idea of a shuttle is seriously hell. Getting into a vehicle stuck with other people for at least 30 mins each way and then being stuck at the party until the shuttle is coming to pick you up. Losing your control. Also I am prone to car sickness so of course I think about that. The idea of just saying "Hey, let's get on a shuttle!" and being happy about it is as foreign to me as another language. The worst part is, no one understands. To my husband, it's no big deal. I've tried to explain it to him, but he will never know the hell I go through in my head. Now that I've said no to the shuttle, I am worried about how weird it looks for us to be the only couple not on the shuttle. I also worry that his friends think I am a snob who is trying to take my husband away from their group. They have no idea how much I am suffering inside of my head. If I tell them, I'm then that crazy chick that their friend married. Despite my best efforts to not be trapped in that shuttle tonight, I am always trapped in the personal hell that is my anxiety and depression. I am always judging myself. Always worried I am making my husband suffer because of my disease. Always obsessed with everything. The stress causes me to feel physically ill, which of course makes everything worse. I feel sick to my stomach. Nobody even knows on the outside. This is my disease at its worst. This is when it feels like a true mental illness.

The Daily Battle

Today has me thinking about the daily battle I have with anxiety and depression. I'm at work but every ounce of me wants to just go home, lay down, and go to sleep. The only thing keeping me here at work is knowing I have bills and responsibilities to take care of. I don't want to be like this- I want to be an active person. I want to want to be at work and be a productive employee. Instead, my mind takes over and makes me utterly exhausted because I spend the entire day full of anxiety. Know the feeling you have after you drink too much caffeine or inhale too much sugar? I have that constantly, in my mind. Even though I'm exhausted, my mind races and my body feels the jittery caffeine/sugar feeling throughout. This happens even more at night, making it harder to sleep. Then it just continues snowballing and making everything feel more extreme. On a daily basis, I am battling against myself. Battling to wake up. Battling to get out of bed. Battling to go to work. Battling to stay at work. Then battling to not take a nap after work. Then battling to go to sleep. No wonder I'm so tired. I'm also realizing I can't live life this way, and I need a change. I need to not give anxiety and depression the power it wants, and the ability to make my life into a daily battle.

Breaking Down and Looking Up

So the past few weeks have been pretty rough. I have felt like I was on a hormonal rollercoaster with really bad PMS, then I finally received a visit from the monthly joy yesterday. As a part of the tough weeks, I actually had a full breakdown. I physically cried, hard, for about 20 minutes or so. This is the hardest I've cried in a while. To me, depression is the evil that tried to be inside of your head. It tries to break you down, physically and mentally. This is where faith is absolutely essential for survival. I began praying hard for God to help me get through this experience and to lead me forward with positivity. I survived. Not only that, I am not ashamed of this break down. I feel that having such a breakdown and making through it is a testament of my character. I will breakdown. Sometimes, depression will bear its ugly head in a strong fashion and try its hardest to break me apart. It is at those times that I fight harder and become stronger. I can't get rid of it as it is a part of me, just like any other part of me. Instead, I can learn to live and cope with it, and take advantage of what it does to make me a strong person. Those of us with depression are natural fighters. We are naturally empathetic because we understand what it feels like to be low. We are actually remarkably good during an external crisis, and are able to remain calm and collected. I know depression was given to me for a reason, and perhaps that was so that I can help other people. It's made me who I am and I can't regret that, so I don't.

Anxiety article

Had to share this awesome article on anxiety (my apologies as, for some odd reason, the hyperlink feature wouldn't fully cooperate): http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-anxious-people-will-understand

What Really Helps Anxiety?

Last night my husband asked me: "What really helps your anxiety?" It was interesting because true to form, I automatically thought of everything that doesn't help. If you go online and seek out advice, such advice may include the following five tidbits (along with my commentary from a realistic anxiety-prone person's point of few): 1. Take a few deep breaths (Yea, I already can't breathe...so if I try to take deep breaths and I can't, it will remind me even more so that I can't breathe...thanks!) 2. Imagine yourself at a relaxing place i.e. beach (Killer waves! Hurricanes! Typhoons!) 3. Write it down (I don't want to!) 4. Join a support group (I already feel crazy- so you want me to show up to a GROUP so I am officially labeled crazy?! I will be very embarrassed walking in and out, remember...mental health has a stigma) 5. Exercise (Really? You expect me to leave the house? I'm DYING, remember?!) and it would be totally embarrassing to die in public. Number four reminded me- one of the BIGGEST issues I see with treatment is referring to everything as a mental ILLNESS. So, off the bat, you are a SICK person. Personally, I have decided to eliminate the word ILLNESS from my vocabulary. Instead, I will refer to what I fight as my stride toward mental HEALTH. Focusing on positivity above all else. So, what really helps me? Sorry researchers, but none of the above. What helps me is reality. Accepting that I am, in fact, having a panic attack. And, if I were actually dying, the people around me would do the best they could to save me. Trying to let go and put my faith back into God and humanity. That's what helps me.