Finding Serenity in a Crazy Mind

I have a bad temper. Once I get angry, my blood feels like its boiling and I feel so agitated. I experienced that tonight as a friend really pushed my buttons. Luckily, I thought it out before responding. I wanted to respond in an agitated and angry way, but I didn't. My husband also helped calm me down- he has a bad temper too, but somehow we are good at calming each other down, unless we are fighting with each other :). I had a bad dream this morning that woke me up about 9am- I decided for once to actually get out of bed and make myself a chai latte, then I enjoyed said latte on our back porch breathing in the nice crisp fall air. I even made myself breakfast which seriously never happens. I was doing remarkably well until I hit a wall around 11:30am of 'What will I do now'? the boredom wall that has become o so familiar to me with unemployment. I decided (against my better judgement) to take a nap. I only slept for an hour because, luckily, I was going to volunteer today. Volunteering has been my saving grace in SO many ways. When I got home I did my usual job search then made dinner. I was supposed to have my follow up TMJ appointment tomorrow, but I forgot to send in the necessary paperwork for the appointment. I filled it out immediately following my first appointment, but never sent it in. I have such a bad memory that if I don't do something right away or set a calendar reminder, I completely forget about it. I am agitated with myself but I have to take it as a learning experience and MAKE SURE I send in my papers before my newly rescheduled appt which of course isn't for two more weeks. I wonder if bad memory and anxiety/depression go hand in hand? It certainly does in my case. my husband remembers so much more than I do. I believe it's because I'm always 'foggy' and not really retaining information. That's just my theory.

3 month mark

So 3 months ago today I sat in a room with my coworkers and found out we were all getting laid off. I don't know what it is about the 3 month mark, but its made me depressed. This whole process is so emotional and nothing really prepares you for it. I am so thankful I started volunteering because I really believe that has been my saving grace. I desperately needed something to do that would lift my spirit. Even when I don't feel like doing anything, volunteering always brightens my day. For those few hours, I am forced to think about others and try to make them smile. It does my spirit good. I even got a 'job offer' while I was there- part time making a very low salary. Definitely holding out for full time and, hopefully, a better salary. We'll see what comes. It feels like September has flown by- maybe October will hold more luck for me in the job front. I have gotten myself into another rut which comes quite naturally to me. Staying up all hours of the night then sleeping really late and feeling restless when I do wake up. Also I just feel blah- like my usual positive spirit is MIA. I have to keep faith- faith is the foundation that has kept me going this strong so far. I feel like I need to connect more with faith and therefore connect more with myself in the process. I really don't know how anyone with depression can survive without faith- to me, its the strong fire that keeps you going when the world seems hopeless (at least it seems that way inside your head). I need to stop thinking and start DOING, and start reconnecting. Beautiful weather helps too- I happen to love the cool, brisk air that fall brings into town. Of course, I sit inside and bask in my own misery instead of enjoying the gorgeous weather. Luckily, two years ago I was smart enough to buy myself a convertible. I HIGHLY recommend to my fellow friends with depression. Let me tell you, no matter how down you feel before driving, its really hard to not get a mood lift while driving a convertible. The vitamin D from the sun, the wind in your hair, breathing in the natural air- its wonderful therapy. I never knew I was purchasing a therapy-mobile at the time, but that is what it is, and I'm grateful for it :). I also have two awesome cats (my friends call me a crazy cat lady) and fully believe in the healing powers and amazing intelligence and compassion animals have. Yet again, no matter how down I feel, I can't help but smile when my cats purr or do something cute (which they do all the time). Animals are an amazing companion, and I feel as though my cats are two gifts I get to enjoy in my life. Long story short, even in depression, you have to do something to find your own Zen. And you are responsible to find that and cultivate that- you are your best friend and worst enemy. You always do better when you're your best friend.

Foggy

I don't know about other anxiety folk out there, but I spend so much of my life feeling foggy headed. Foggy/in the clouds is what it feels like any way. I'm physically there, but mentally and emotionally I feel disconnected. I often feel that more so when I'm depressed, so lately it's been pretty frequent. Last night I didn't sleep well at all- didn't go to sleep until 3am, woke up at 9am, then of course went back to sleep. Long story short, I didn't get out of bed until 1:30pm. I felt so depressed. Its so hard to say or know why- right now Im on 20mg of escitalopram so I don't know if the meds aren't working or maybe they are working which is a scary thought because that means I could actually feel worse- its hard to imagine that right now. I haven't felt myself since my wedding day. I worked SO hard to be there- physically and mentally- on my wedding day. I'm proud to say I did accomplish that goal- I was there, and I really enjoyed it. Then, on the plane to the honeymoon, all the sudden I got hit with a massive wave of anxiety that has consumed me ever since. It's such a bizarre feeling. Just when I was starting to recover and feel more like me, I got laid off. Two huge life changes within a few months of each other- and I have never done very well with the element of change, especially in the form of a surprise. So today I ran a few errands and overall felt very foggy, but I got what I needed to get done. I miss being connected though. I miss feeling like myself- the good me, not the anxiety prone or depressed me. Where did I go? Am I still even there, somewhere? I have to keep believing I am there and I will come back.

Lazy Sunday

Originally I was planning to watch football today with a friend (yup, I'm an awesome girl because I like to watch football) but she had to cancel because she got tickets to actually go to the game (I would have done the same to her). I found myself at a loss- where should I go and what should I do? I caved in pretty early and sent a plea to my in-laws because I knew they'd let me come to their house. I did wind up getting invited to my husband's friend's house, but I had already told my in-laws I would come there. I have realized how desperately I need to make my own friends in the area, or at least within a 20 minute radius. I have struggled, for as long as I can remember, to bond with people my own age. I'm not really into drinking or partying, so that leads me to feeling felt out of the loop quite often. I find that most people that aren't really into it either already have kids, which is hard for me to relate to. I'm just stumped. The last time I felt like I did well with making friends was graduate school, but I guess I didn't do as well as I thought since I have lost touch with everyone I met during that time period. I am an introvert by nature, and it takes me a LONG time to show my true personality around people. Around my husband's friends I am often very shy, which isn't really me. I am not sure why but I just regress into the shy role and hide in the corner. I know part of me is scared because my anxiety. I do feel like lately (the past year really) its hard too strong of a grip on my life. I haven't really been living. I avoid things because I'm scared of anxiety attacks. I never take risks. I've become a hermit in many ways. I don't even like what I have turned into yet I feel clueless and hopeless as to how I would start to change. I hate tis feeling of 'lost'- yet I am so familiar with it due to a life with anxiety. I know one thing for sure- I am wasting too much damn time and giving my anxiety too much control. I need to take my life back.

Weekend lost

So this weekend I had tried my best to make plans with friends and one by one, plans fell through. I had to deal with disappointment. I am also very used to having my husband around on weekends but he has spent the weekend in South Carolina. I guess it's a good thing that I miss him as much as I do. I wound up going to dinner with my sister and afterward I was going to visit a friend but the rain deterred me. I remember back in my teen years and early 20s when rain really didn't phase me. Now that I'm almost 30 I get very irritated with rain and it serves as the excuse for me not to do things- I know how lame that is, trust me. I have definitely been struggling with depression big time- all weekend. Been feeling like a loser since I haven't been that busy. Also- despite all the free time, I do nothing productive. I could easily write or something else relaxing, but nope. I think it's much easier to self sabotage. My jaw has been majorly sore all this week- I am definitely feeling the physical signs of stress. I have my next TMJ appointment on Friday so I will look forward to hopefully finding something out there. While I was with my sister we watched a really good movie called "Fireproof". I highly recommend! Its all about reconnecting with your faith to help make your marriage stronger. I have a strong faith and have been feeling the need to reconnect with it and bring it more into my marriage. I am definitely having my husband watch this movie when he gets home. I have been feeling so lost and start needing to take action to help myself feel better. I know I can be my own worst enemy or my own best friend- and its my choice, every day, to decide which one I want to be. Depression wants you to be your own worst enemy but you have to fight it.

OCD Tendencies

So I remember a while back I watched an episode of MTV's show True Life titled "I have OCD". On the show, I watched various young people struggle with the rituals they had to perform to make themselves feel more at ease. Well, I do feel as though anxiety is a much bigger issue for me than OCD, but I definitely display OCD tendencies. My husband is going on a trip tomorrow and I started feeling nervous about it today. All the what ifs popped into my head- and of course I was thinking I don't want to be alone. Which is an interesting change because I used to like being alone- I am now one of those girls who is dependent! Anywho- I found myself thinking today that I couldn't be too happy- that I couldn't enjoy his company too much today- because if I did, then something might happen to him on his trip. Me being falsely 'in control' in my own mind- very twisted and I am aware its not at all logical (doesn't change the emotions). I actually have to wake up in a few hours and take him to the airport which makes it worse...but I couldn't not do it because that would be rude and I know he would do it for me. Perhaps after I make it back from the drive and after he makes it back from his trip okay, I can try to start getting over this interesting dose of OCD. Until then, I will be freaking out. Luckily, I did make some plans already this weekend to help keep me busy so Friday and Monday are the only days when I don't have anything planned- hopefully plans will help the time go by quickly. It's so interesting the battle between anxiety and logic. Logically, I know I am not in control. Emotionally, however, I have a really hard time adjusting my mindset. I totally get the rituals thing and understand why it would be appealing. I have a lot of compassion and understanding for people with more severe OCD. I also think that OCD and anxiety are very related, as usually rituals are caused by anxiety (at least that was the case in the show I watched). I bet there's a lot we can learn from each other, and maybe help each other cope too. Today I didn't receive any calls from potential employers- and I was feeling bummed about that. I woke up feeling a bit nauseous and my stomach was rumbling- stress is getting the best of me. My husband came home at lunch time and we sat on our back deck and I wound up staying outside for a while when he went back to work- I need to do that more often. Around 4pm I decided to FINALLY be productive and switch out my summer and fall wardrobe- which lead to creating a generous donation pile for Goodwill (they really n=benefit from my style changes!). At least I can feel good and accomplished about that. Well- I better force myself to sleep somehow- early wake up time tomorrow!

Dating for Jobs

Last night I had two stressful dreams. In the first one I was fighting with my sister and woke up feeling stressed. In real life, I have been feeling neglected by her and so I guess that came through in my subconscious. In my second dream I was fighting with my husband and woke up again feeling stressed about that. Oy, I wish my mind could just RELAX, at least for sleep, but that is so difficult. I think us anxious folk have the 24/7, 365 days a year mind, which is why we are so darn tired. So today I slept in late (again) but I had to get up by 1230 because I volunteer. After getting laid off, I started volunteering at a retirement home every Tuesday and Thursday from 1:45-4:45 in the afternoon. Honestly, one of the best decisions I've ever made. It gives me something to do, something to look forward to, and a reason to get out of bed. I had been missing the volunteerism aspects of my life but always had an excuse why I didn't have enough time to do it or etc. Very lame excuses. That is by far the best thing that getting laid off has done for me- given me the swift kick in the butt and saying "Now you have NO excuse- so do it already." After volunteering, I got back into my car and looked at my phone and had one missed call from an unknown number and a voicemail. Every time I have seen this since getting laid off, I get a glimpse of hope and think "Maybe it's a job!" I listened and no, it was a sales pitch. The little glimmer fades. I think okay, now it has been two days this week that no potential employers have called me. I decided to venture to Michaels because I was planning to finish decorating a floral wreath for an upcoming fundraiser. I absolutely love doing floral arrangements- especially with artificial flowers since I have no green thumb. I wound up getting supplies and came home to crank out two really good wreaths- wow, I can be really quick and creative under stress! I still found myself unable to kick the blues that I had no 'leads' yet this week. I talked to my husband and explained how painfully process this entire process is to dating. I'm waiting by the phone, hoping for that call, and when I don't get it, my heart gets hurt. Also, being without employment makes you look back at your 'Ex' (last job) and shines them in a good light, thinking "Maybe I should call them again?" or you look at jobs you wouldn't have considered before and wonder if "maybe I should settle..." So, so, painfully similar to dating. I must remind myself that I survived dating and I can survive this.

Late to bed, late to rise

Today I woke up around 6am when I heard my husband getting ready for work. I was in an unusually good mood, especially for how early it was. I remember thinking "wow, I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling so happy." My positive energy actually kept me awake until about 7-730. I should have gotten out of bed but, true to form, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 12pm. I woke up feeling tired, as usual. I didn't feel like doing much of anything but I eventually made my way downstairs and ate lunch. Then I slowly made my way to the basement to check my email and the usual job sites. I didn't find anything, and I was kinda bummed that I didn't get any calls from any prospective employers today (okay, really bummed). The one company I interviewed with a few weeks ago is supposed to get back in touch with me this week, but they did say later in the week so that might mean Thursday or Friday. I just hate this waiting game. This whole job search is SO painfully similar to dating- I feel like I'm waiting by the phone for the guy to call. I don't like that feeling and I thought I wouldn't have to feel it again since I'm married. Tonight I had a therapy appt and that went well- I explained that I plan to stay on Lexapro until I get everything straightened out with my jaw pain/TMJ and my Therapist seemed to agree with that approach. Finding a good Therapist is a lot like dating too- you have to go on a whole bunch of bad therapy 'dates' before you find the right person. I remember one woman I went to who literally had OCD about OCD. Like, she was OCD about the fact that EVERYONE has OCD, and she kept trying to convince me that I have it. Sure, I may have SMALL touches that really don't affect my life in any big negative way, but that's about it. I also saw a guy who talked to me for 10 mins then threw Prozac in my face. He was so cold and methodical, opposite of my personality. I was thinking "Dude- I have anxiety. This means I'm scared of medicine- and I don't even like you, so I'm sure as hell not going to take your advice when you've only talked to me for 10 minutes." It scares me to think about that though because there may be people out there going to doctors like him and just taking the medicine because they feel lost. My Doctor was the first one who talked to me and seemed interested in trying to figure out what was really wrong, and also took time to explain medicine to me in detail before prescribing it. Without that, I would have never taken it. I have been on medicine longer than I would have liked to be, but I still have hope that one day I will feel as though I can get off of it and be happy. I'm working towards that every day with lots of prayer. Also figuring out this TMJ thing is crucial.

Me: 1 Anxiety: 0

Today was another success anxiety wise. My husband got me tickets to see our favorite football team play and of course I couldn't make it easy on him. I started freaking out as we got closer, saying it was too much for one weekend and I just needed to relax. Then I felt dizzy as we were driving in circles to go up higher in the parking garage. Then we had to walk high up on ramps and I was feeling so tired. Once up the ramps, we had to climb about 50 steps to get to our seats because we were in the last row. OMG- I thought I was going to pass out! I had to briefly stop twice and inhale deeply on the steps- then when I made it to our row I felt SO out of breath I had to sit down. I am pretty out of shape and don't do stairs as often as I should (plus, Im lazy so of course that factors in). Luckily, one of the benefits to the very top row is the nice breeze, so once the breeze was moving and I got some Sprite I started feeling better. It was a long walk back too but luckily down hill so it was easier to manage. I still feel worn out and my legs hurt. Also, luckily, I was able to realize (once in my seat) that I had started to let my anxiety rule my brain and attempt to ruin my day, and I wasn't going to do that. From there, I took control and did not let it control me. I am feeling very proud- but definitely whooped too. Very relieved I have no set plans tomorrow. I'm hoping to hear back from a few possible jobs this week and maybe even have employment by October- that would be wonderful :). I wanted to share my positive energy and also share the fact that despite what anxiety and depression make you think (and I know how powerful they can be), YOU are in control. So, don't let them continue to control you. This is where therapy is ESSENTIAL, because I would have never known how to regain control without being in therapy.

Party Success

So today was a huge success for me anxiety wise. I hosted a party and I handled myself really well and had very minimal anxiety. When my first two friends arrived, I did feel slightly anxious while we were talking and slightly light headed so I found a way to encourage them to sit down so I could feel more comfortable. As more people arrived though I really didn't have that feeling return. I did think maybe some people would spend the night at my house and I didn't want them to...it sounds mean but at the end of the day, I'm an introvert. I enjoy social time but I get drained and don't want it lasting for 24 hours. The party actually lasted over 8 hours, so I was ready for a brake :). I am very proud of myself though- some confidence has been restored. I originally woke up early this morning but of course I went back to sleep- and then didn't wake back up until I absolutely had to- then rushed around doing all the last minute things I needed to do for the party. I always do that- wait until the last minute then feel overwhelmed and stress myself out and make myself more anxious. I also didn't eat anything before people came over due to nerves- then I ate such an interesting array of foods that I'm pretty sure my stomach is quite angry with me :)- I also have heartburn like I'm already in my 40s. I think I will drink some ginger ale before bed which will hopefully help settle my stomach- I like Canada Dry since it's the only brand made with real ginger. I have another big day tomorrow so I will follow up with a post- hopefully two positive days in a row.

Pre Party Anxiety

So tomorrow I'm hosting a girls get together and of course I am a huge anxious ball of stress today. Ever since I can remember, parties and social gatherings are a source of a huge amount of stress where you have to do everything you can to look great for your guests- tons of pressure. Today I went to the grocery store and spent way too much money on snacks and beverages. Of course, I feel like I haven't gotten enough or done enough to make the 'Perfect' impression (see, my obsession for this fits nicely into my Perfect Facade). As a result of my stress about tomorrow's party, I decided to be irritable all day and pick fights with my husband, which really accomplishes so much (note heavy sarcasm). Interestingly enough, just as I was getting ready to smooth things over, I get my period. I sighed because I ALWAYS become even CRAZIER right before my period. I am one of those girls who, if I owned a gun, would most likely shoot people each month during PMS. So, I don't own a gun :). Instead, I just pick fights and get irritated at every possible thing..I guess I carry emotional weapons with me that I fire off carelessly toward my loved ones as often as possible. My period has been coming earlier now which is pretty annoying. It used to come every 40 days or so, which was great because I had a nice long break in between. Now it's down to 28 days, UGH. And, the past two months, it's arrived a few days early. I am very relieved I got it tonight instead of having it arrive during the party tomorrow- that could have been very awkward :). So, I have to thank Mother Nature for being unusually considerate this month. Even though I'm not happy she likes to come around more often than she used to. I should have known because I was craving sweets the past few days, and I don't crave sweets too often (luckily). My anxiety and depression are still the same, and I've decided for now at least to stay on the same meds until I get my TMJ situation straightened out. This brings me to my TMJ appt. yesterday. So, I went to see a TMJ specialist and paid $125 for 30 minutes (I wish I could make that much money!) He checked out my jaw and said I presented signs of TMJ and wants to see me for a follow up- the second appt will cost me $340 and the third will cost me $775, THEN I will have to pay MORE for whatever the 'cure' is that he suggests. Yikes. I went to him because someone I know had seen him for similar issues, and he did seem to help. So...I may just have to kiss my savings goodbye and follow through in hopes of a better quality of life. I do feel as though I won't be able to properly address my anxiety and depression until my TMJ is no longer a huge issue. Oy, stress, look what you've done to me! So- if any other anxious folk out there grind their teeth or clench their jaw, ACT NOW. Seriously. If I would have done something years ago, I may not need all this crazy expensive stuff. It's simply amazing all of the physical effects stress can have on ones body, and life is too short to live ruled by that stress.

Hump Dayyyy

So today I officially turned the job down. I felt so guilty...I think my guilt is a combo of anxiety and growing up Catholic- double whammy. I felt like I was breaking up with someone and it wasn't easy. They were so nice, and tried to convince me to take the job. My logic side was saying "You idiot!, just take it...its a job and the company wants you" but I still had the same thoughts on the actual job being offered. I feel that this whole job search process is so similar to dating, and just how I felt before I met my husband- I really want to meet a job I feel like I could stay at for a long time (at least a few years). I also know I want to be a Mother (even though that scares the living daylights out of me) within the next few years, so I want somewhere that I can see myself becoming a parent while working there. I actually stayed in bed until 1pm today. I woke up originally at 7am when I heard my husband getting ready for work and stayed up until about 8:30, then went back to sleep and got woken up around 9:30 by a phone call from a former coworker which was a nice surprise. Then, true to form, I went bak to sleep setting my alarm for 10am, 11am, etc, and didn't get out of bed until 1pm. I think I was just avoiding the 'break up' with the job which I knew I had to do today. I did write the woman who interviewed me a nice email explaining that I want to keep in contact with her and would volunteer if she has anything available, so we will see. I saw one of my girl friends this afternoon and we went into a store- I was nervous because shopping often brings on the light headed feeling for me. It was not so bad today, and we had to wait n the register line (often triggers anxiety/lightheadedness) but I did okay, so that was an accomplishment. I finally have my appointment with the TMJ specialist tomorrow which is about a year overdue. I am really hoping its the first step to recovery. He is expensive- $125 for my first visit tomorrow and I'm sure he will tell me I need a follow up appointment which I'm sure will be more expensive. That's how it always works. My random anxiety thought for the day is wondering how much anxiety is connected to memory. I barely remember my childhood, and there are a lot of things even from my adult life that I don't remember. Sometimes, if someone mentions something to me that happened, that will help me remember but that doesn't always work. I wonder if everyone with anxiety has that same problem. It makes me wonder what my life was really like, and how different it was from my foggy, anxiety-prone memory. I almost wish I could have 'A Christmas Story' or 'Its a Wonderful Life' type of experience and view what actually happened vs. what I remember. I would bet that I would be stunned at the number of things I didn't remember happened, or recalled completely differently. It would be an interesting experiment. BTW, Iam still on Lexapro 20mg. Not so thrilled about it but not really sure what to do to change. Kind of feel like I need to address the TMJ issue first, so we'll see. I promise to keep the blog updated as a public information service (doesn't that sound fancy?)

Job Dilemma

So today I got my first job offer since being laid off. While I was very happy to receive it, I don't feel like it's the right job for me. The organization actually helps people with anxiety and depression- which is my lifetime goal to do just that. But, the salary is significantly lower than what I wanted to take and only about $5k higher than unemployment, and the job would be 'easy' for me, not very challenging, and there's really no room for advancement. I fear that I would get in there, get bored after 6 months, and then be job hunting again. I was in that pattern with jobs for quite some time- my last job was the first one I could see myself staying at for longer than a year. I like and need a challenge. And, as my Mom pointed out, for as anxious as I am I somehow do really well under a crazy amount of pressure- I am much more anxious when things are too calm. Try to figure that one out, I dare ya! After all the craziness of getting laid off, I would rather take something I could see myself doing for a long time. There is another job in the works that I should hear back from next week. The salary will be higher and the job much more challenging, but the biggest concern I have is that he job requires me to be very extroverted. While I can 'play' the role of an extrovert very well (my name on here is Perfect Facade for a reason)- I do get drained. Also, it would require a lot of night and weekend time so my free time would be minimal. Luckily, I have at least a week to think on it before knowing if they will offer me anything. I feel so goofy turning the first job offer down- I've been unemployed for over two months! This is for a cause I love and am very personally attached to! But something in my gut tells me that while I may be connected to this organization in the future, this just isn't the right job for me. I feel crazy but I have to listen to my gut at the same time. Since I have at least a week any way, I plan to continue exploring opportunities and seeing what other jobs might be out there. I also plan to pray, big time. So far, prayer has really helped guide me in the right direction in various aspects of my life. I want to share an anxiety attack technique that my Therapist taught me (no worries, you can pay me the $200 it cost me to get this advise....just kidding!). When you're in the midst of an anxiety attack, you often feel as though it is written all over your face- and you wonder why people aren't concerned or asking you what's wrong. It's hard to break this obsession. If you step back for a moment and realize that you are in a room with sound, logical person(s) who, if you were in fact in crisis, would respond, it gives you the slight peace of mind that you still have yourself together, at least as far as outside appearance. This has made a significant impact on my anxiety. I still have attacks, but I am far less obsessive over whether or not anyone else is noticing. Instead, I trust that if they did, they would respond properly. While trust is very difficult for us anxiety-prone people, it is very freeing once you teach yourself how to start giving it a little.

Fighting the blues with the color blue

I've most definitely fallen into the depression 'funk'. I've been sleeping late and haven't had much energy, and my self esteem is at an all time low. The other day my husband mentioned that he learned positive thinking from me, and that reminded me of the person I was when I met him- I was thinking positively and was overall feeling happy. Somehow I have completely lost that. I look at my idols like Lucille Ball- strong, hilarious, and fearless- why can't I be more like her? Then I look in the mirror and realize I am my biggest obstacle/hurdle to my own success. Last week I went on two job interviews and I felt both went relatively well. Ever since, I have been obsessing over both jobs even though I have nothing to obsess over since I haven't heard anything back yet. It's funny because I am so afraid they won't call me, but then I'm also afraid they might actually offer me a job, and what would I do? I feel that with my very low self esteem, I am doubting my ability to succeed. I have also been getting light headed quite often, so I finally made an appointment to see a TMJ specialist this Thursday. I will definitely post updates on that process as well, in hopes to help anyone else out there with similar experiences. My symptoms are that my left ear always feels full, my jaw is sore every day and it clicks often. I am hopeful that Thursday will be a positive first step in the right direction. I have also been getting light headed which is made worse by exercise, but of course exercise helps anxiety and depression so I've been caught in a predicament. I'm hoping to be able to start exercising once I can get this dizziness figured out. About the color blue- I decided last week to paint our garden beds in our back yard a very pretty bright blue. I bought a gallon of paint, so I had a ton left over. Once I was done I realized I would like to paint our home office the same pretty blue. My husband had it painted gray which I didn't mind, but when I moved in he told me this could be my room- and I appreciated that but I never did anything about it to make it feel me. Finally- it took me over a year, but I feel like I did something to help the room feel more me. Plus, it's such a beautiful and uplifting color that I'm hopeful it will help lift my mood when I come into this room.

Nerves

Today was a bad day anxiety wise. My Mom offered to dye my hair for me (I started going gray at 18..most likely stress induced) so I met up with her to purchase the hair dye. I was so shaky and uncomfortable in the store. I calmed down once we got back to her house, but then I felt light headed again in the shower and like I was going to collapse any second. I also started feeling overwhelmed because I have a BIG job interview tomorrow- I am so scared out of my mind to get a job. While I want to work, I have spent the past two months not working and really feel off my groove. I have very low confidence and, after reading the job description again tonight, I feel as though I'm not qualified...but, I got an interview, right? I feel like I will have to "fake it til I make it" and go in tomorrow pretending like I own the place. The good thing is that interview are typically only an hour-90 minutes and I can usually power through that amount of time. Then, I can come home and mentally crash for the afternoon. We'll see what happens. Once I got home, I decided to jump into a physical activity and started painting our office bright blue. It was gray before (my husband's choice) and it just never really felt like my office. I decided I needed a bright happy color so I could come in, feel happy with the blue, and more like me. I haven't finished yet but I already love it. Once it's painted, I plan to decorate it to look beachy so it can be my 'oasis' in my own home- hopefully it will help lift my mood, especially in winter. I think it's important for us folks with depression to find whatever ways we can to be our own cheerleader. Sometimes I have to think "What would I say to my friend or loved one in this situation?" It's so easy and natural to be hard on yourself but yet be so loving and supportive to others at the same time. The hard thing is being loving and supportive to yourself. This is something I work toward every single day. I have an hour commute tomorrow, so I have to spend that hour telling myself good things and being my own best friend. Even if it looks psycho that I'm talking to myself in the car :). It's funny because my anxiety is so extreme I asked my husband what he would do if I completely lost it during the interview and they sent me straight to a psych ward. He said he would come bail me out. I guess it's encouraging that he wouldn't want to leave me. For now, I have to do some major prayer to help me be successful tomorrow and for any chance that I might get more than two hours of sleep tonight. My anxiety is trying its hardest to keep me awake, obsessing, and worrying.

Sleepless Night

Last night was another pretty much sleepless night for me. My mind was spinning and I began obsessing again about my own mortality. This time, I am very convinced I have a brain tumor or some kind of deadly infection in my inner ear. I have been feeling light headed quite often and feel as though I can't even function like a normal human being. I fell asleep some time after 3am then woke up at 7am out of the blue, then I got woken up at 9:30am from a prospective employer- I have a job interview on Thursday morning. I am dreading it. My anxiety has been so crazy and I've been feeling so lightheaded that my confidence is pretty much gone at this point. About a half hour later, I got another call from another prospective employer and got offered a second interview Thursday afternoon. As much as I want to work, I am so afraid to. I feel like I just can't handle it anymore, mentally. Before getting laid off, I was having really bad anxiety at work and actually had to leave early because of it. It started to get more and more unbearable. Of course, my depression picks up from there and my already low self esteem continually gets knocked down. At this point, I want a job but I am also very afraid of it. I am afraid of feeling dizzy at work and uncomfortable because I feel that way so often now. I just don't know how to get myself feeling better. I called my Therapist today and asked if I should bump back up to 20mg of Lexapro (I'm on the generic version, by the way) to help me get through this week. He was mad that I had downgraded to 10mg without switching to Cymbalta. I am SO afraid that I will have to get on a new medicine that is really the last thing I want. I just don't know what to do. I am going to take 20mg for the rest of this week in hopes that my anxiety can improve enough so I can feel like a (semi) normal human being. I know there are other things I could be doing like exercise, eating better, of course sleeping better, etc, but I don't do any of those things. I am not sure why I am my own worst enemy.

Case of the Mondays

Today I woke up with a "Case of the Mondays" which was odd for three reasons: 1. I no longer go to school, 2. I don't work right now, and 3. It was Labor Day so even if I did work I would most likely have the day off. Any way, for some odd reason, I just felt off (which is kind of normal for me). We were set to have lunch with my husband's family (I know right, somehow I got married) and my anxiety decided to set in on the car ride over there. My head was so foggy and my stomach was cramping and hurting me. I freaked out in the car telling my husband I couldn't go in and I was going to go to my parent's house which was nearby and (essentially) hide. Somehow my lovely husband helped calm me down enough to get me to agree to go to lunch. We walked into the restaurant and I was literally shaking on the inside, luckily the table was ready for us (I probably would have lost it otherwise). So we sat down and I still felt super shaky. I quickly ordered a water which I didn't touch for an hour. With anxiety, I have found that my interest in digesting foods or liquids is extremely low. It really makes me lose my appetite and feel like I might choke or something. Somehow, luckily, I was able to eat some of my lunch and eventually took a few sips of my water. I still felt the anxiety adrenaline pumping through my body. It feels like some kind of electricity flowing through your blood stream but it's an electricity that makes you feel jitter and uncomfortable. There were definitely several times during the lunch I thought to myself "Okay this is it, I'm going to pass out right here in front of my husband's family, and then they're going to be really worried about me and figure out I'm crazy." It is amazing how, with anxiety, you can have SO much spinning through your head (on the top speed spin cycle too) but keep up with the real world conversation at the same time. Now that I'm sitting here writing this out, I'm actually quite impressed with that aspect of my mind. After lunch I promptly created an excuse why we had to go do something (I've mastered that skill) and jolted out of there as quickly as I could while still seeming normal to the outside world. I was in desperate need of a physical activity to dive into, so I started painting out garden beds outside once I got home. I picked a bright blue color for them and wow- I love it! It's so amazing the power of color- the bright blue definitely helped perk me up and made my mood lift significantly. I'm now wondering where else I can use this blue- we have an office upstairs that is currently a grayish color and I am thinking I may paint it that same blue so I can feel happy whenever I'm in that room.

Labor Day Weekend

My weekend thus far has been pretty pleasant and I have hopefully overcome my Labor Day stigma from my past. I had a Labor Day when I was younger, I honestly don't remember how young I was, that I got sick to my stomach. Now, we all have our fears...some of us are afraid of public speaking (I'm not), others are afraid of spiders (I am), but one of my GREATEST fears is getting sick to my stomach. This stemmed from the very FEW times it happened during my childhood, but yet for some reason my anxiety would get crazy intense afterward and I would OBSESS over it for literally years (no kidding). One time, I got sick after eating a steak and as a result I did not eat steak for about 2.5 years and steak is one of my favorite foods. It's pretty intense. So any way, ever since then, I've had anxiety around the Labor Day weekend. This year, maybe because I am not currently working, it was easier to forget it was Labor Day. Normally you get excited that you have a 3-4 day weekend but when you're not working, pretty much every day is the weekend so it really doesn't matter. I spent most of the weekend being extroverted which was a nice change since I am, by nature, an introvert. I guess the whole unemployment thing again leaves me with more energy than normal to talk to others. I am also participating in Fantasy Football for the first time this year with my own team. My 'strategy' was to pick the names that I liked and to pick names of guys that don't really sound like football players. It will be so awesome if I win and beat out the people who are super serious about football. I am very competitive so I will try my best. The downside to all this extra extroverted energy is the inevitable "How's the job search going?" question. I dread this question and cringe on the inside whenever I hear it. I know people mean well, and I know I would ask the same exact thing to someone in my situation, but the question sucks. I hear myself saying the same thing over and over again "Frustrating, but..." then I try to spin it in a positive light. What else can I say? I don't want to sit there sulking and say that it's an emotional roller coaster, and some days (well most days) you don't even want to get out of bed, and everything feels like a rejection even if you didn't really want the job, and you get so emotional you cry when someone doesn't want to hire you even though you aren't normally much of a crier, and it wears on you, and your self esteem, and you have to pray every night to keep in touch with your faith and keep your inner strength going as strong as humanly possible. Damn, that's the truth, and it felt good to say it.