The Switch

Today I had a day I will refer to as "The Pits." What's that mean? My alarm went off at 7:45am (which I don't remember) then again at 8am. I don't have full recollection, but I know somewhere around 8:30am(ish) I made the semi-conscious decision that I was staying home this morning. I emailed my boss with the usual excuse- "I'm sick" then went back to sleep. I got out of bed around 9:30am(ish?) and moved to the basement couch. After checking my email, I could tell I was going back to sleep. So, I set my alarm and did just that. This pattern continued until about 4pm. I remembered that I had my weekly Therapy apt at 6pm, so I called my Husband and asked if he could drive me since I felt too tired and too 'off' to be able to drive. Once I knew he was coming home at 5, I figured I should actually get up and change into presentable attire. Therapy helped, as usual. I really like my Therapist. I started feeling better and left feeling hopeful. I told my Husband I wanted to eat healthy as I had slipped into eating junk food the past few days which I believe was contributing to my negative state of mind. We found a new place where you can make your own salad which was quite delicious. After that, we decided to stop by my parent's place as they had my lunch bag from when I had left it there a week ago. I'm not sure exactly when 'The Switch' reactivated, but when we left I found myself feeling depressed again. I picked a fight on the way home as I often do when I feel crummy, which of course made me feel much worse. After sulking in my own depression for a good hour more, I got up and talked to my Husband about it. Mental illness is a daily struggle which I had forgotten about. You have to take care of yourself. Putting junk food into your body only increases the power of junk thoughts (aka depression). I had been fueling it for days, so no wonder it hit me like a 500lb of cement today and wouldn't let go for several hours. The important thing is to keep fighting. The good I will see from this is that on the way to Therapy I realized I needed to get back to journaling/blogging my experience. Not because I aim to be a role model, because I am a hot mess :). Instead, I aim to put my crap out there in case anyone else out there also feels like CRAP and maybe feels alone- I hope you read this and will know you're not alone. If you feel crazy, I know how you feel because I feel crazy too. The good news there is either we're both not really crazy, or we both are crazy but at least we know each other which is somewhat comforting in a strange way. I plan to keep moving forward, get my butt back to work tomorrow, and take my life back from today. Eating better will be a huge key to that, and drinking more water. I'm still on 60mg Cymbalta daily and it SUCKS that I still have days like today, but medicine is not the cure all. I need to do more myself and hold myself more accountable. Switching to Cymbalta wasn't easy for me but I'm glass I did make the change. I've now been on the medicine for over a month and can report that it is really helping my anxiety. I do have BAD constipation as a side effect, but that's the only real side effect I've noticed. I am trying to eat a lot more fiber in hopes of balancing that out more.

Continuing the Fight

It's been a while since my last visit so here's the updates: After immense searching, I was able to find a great Therapist who accepts insurance (miracle)! So I'm now seeing her on a weekly basis. I also see a Psychiatrist (who doesn't take insurance, of course) once a month. About 11 days ago I switched from Lexapro to Cymbalta, right now I'm at 30mg. The first night on Cymbalta was rough and I barely slept, but things have gotten more manageable since then. My stomach is still not great, but it started misbehaving even before I made the med switch. I'm still fatigued, but I'm also anxious pretty much 24/7 which I'm sure drains a lot of my energy. I just purchased a Groupon deal for Acupuncture so I'm going to switch and try them out- I feel bad for 'ditching' my current Acupuncturist but she costs $100/session and this deal gets me 5 sessions for $100, so I really couldn't afford to pass it up. During the first week of September I taught my first training class for a nearby college and that was extremely exciting. I felt like I was doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which I never feel when I'm at my full time job. I'm supposed to travel for work soon, from September 22-25. Extremely nervous and not sure that I can handle it. I haven't traveled alone in years and it's really making me panic. I hope I can somehow find the inner strength to do it because I know it would be such an amazing accomplishment for me. I'm going to keep fighting and will keep you updated on my journey as I hope to help someone with anxiety and/or depression who might be feeling the same way. You're not alone.

The Past Three Months

I haven't visited this page in way too long. I have been continuing my journey to mental health over the past three months and it certainly has't been easy, but I am starting to notice changes that makes it feel worthwhile. Right now I am on Lexapro 10mg and still doing acupuncture once a month. I have severly changed my diet (cut out adding salt was my biggest step) and have also cut back on fried foods. I still let myself eat fried food, but not nearly as often. I've also cut back on my soda intake. Wow, I dropped my water weight immensely quickly! I haven't weighed myself lately but I look and feel skinnier, and in a healthy way. I notice when I eat crap, it really hits me and I feel more like crap. I'm still struggling with fatigue. I recently went through a sleep study per my TMJ doctor's recommendation and, as I though, I don't have sleep apnea. I have a follow up appt on June 30 to see if the study saw anything that woke me up in particular. Off hand, I'm guessing my overactive brain. I've been rocking an orthodontic device (retainer) for my jaw for a little over a month. It's annoying, but it's hopefully a means to an end (less jaw pain, and it keeps me from grinding my teeth at night). I go for my next adjustment tomorrow morning. I have been feeling pulled to go deeper into my faith and see where that takes me. I have also signed up for Usui Reiki level one class which takes place in July. I am feeling more encouraged lately and like I can make my life better. My fatigue still worries me, and I'm trying to get better about not letting it worry me and just learning to cope with it for the time being. I feel like this is my year to change for the better, and do what is necessary to take my life back. I also really hope to use everything I'm learning to help other people who are striving for mental health.

Search for Med Management

Wanted to share (vent) my experience with finding someone to help with medication management. As you know, I have been looking since the beginning of this year. I started off by searching names on my insurance company's website. Wound up calling about 15 people, not sure of the exact number I called because I lost track. Out of these 15, they either didn't do med management (even though my insurance website claimed they did), weren't accepting new patients, or didn't call me back. There was also one that asked me to schedule an appt during my normal work hours, 40 mins away from my office. I guess if I was 'really' bad, and couldn't work, I could make that happen. However, since I am trying to function in a 'normal' 9-5 society, this would not be easy for me. After hearing what a good resource a friend's Therapist seemed to be, I asked if she could possibly send forward any referrals. Luckily, she responded quite quickly with a list of names. I was able to find someone willing to meet with me at 8am, which means I will only be 30 mins late to work that day. She was more communicative and responsive than any of the first 15+ I called. I'm optimistic. As expected, she doesn't take insurance. I pay up front and hopefully get something reimbursed. I don't blame her for not taking insurance. To me, this is the issue. I guess if I was 'really' bad, I could admit myself, or be admitted, into a mental hospital. I'd have access to professionals 24/7. However, since I am trying to function in a 'normal' society, I have to lie/make excuses on why I am going to be late to work and etc. I have to sneak around like I am doing something bad. It's degrading. To myself and to mental health overall. The fact that my insurance company website isn't updated. The fact that so many of the best Therapists and Psychs around don't even deal with insurance, because of how much that negatively impacts their business and interactions with clients. The fact that those same Therapists and Psychs can change amounts of money that most people trying to function on a 'normal' salary cannot afford. I consider myself lucky that because I have a good salary, and don't have kids, I can afford this right now. But what about if/when those factors change? I think about all of the people that might WANT help, yet it's simply not available to them. It's time for a change.

The Hardship of Finding Help

So, as mentioned in an earlier blog, I decided to leave my former Psychiatrist (who also did Therapy). I know how unique that was to get both services provided by one person. It was relatively easy to find a new Therapist and I have done that, however, finding a new Psychiatrist for my medication management has been 'The Pits'. In January of this year my insurance kicked in with my new job, and I was eager for it as I knew it would be an improvement from my last insurance in regard to mental health. I have been searching on the website my insurance provider has, and am not having any luck. So many numbers on there are not really people who 'do' medication management. Other people are not accepting new patients. Other people just don't call me back. This is immensely frustrating, and pretty easy to see why people just give up...or, even worse, never get started in the first place. Something needs to be done for those people trying to help themselves.

In the midst of anxiety

Today I'm a hott mess. Right now I am sitting at my desk jittering on the inside, and feeling like its impossible to sit still. My brain feels like its having a spaz attack across my head. I feel like I'm not breathing correctly. I'm about to pass out. I'm in the midst of a panic attack. Trying to breath slowly, deeply, and tell myself that everything is okay. Telling myself that if I do pass out at my desk, as I fear I will, that someone would call 911 or do something to help me. Despite trying to talk myself down I have not been able to relax as of yet. My acupuncturist taught me how to breathe deeply through my abdomen so I am trying to do just that. I am also staring at the clock thinking "Okay two more hours, you can do it" even though it seems impossible. A coworker just stopped by to ask me a question- she would have asked me what was wrong, right? I guess I appear to be okay, even though I feel like such a mess on the inside. This is anxiety and I wanted to write about it in case other people are or have experienced something similar. You're not alone.

Fell off the bandwagon

Lately I have fallen off the bandwagon and slipped into tried and true methods of self-sabotage. I ate bad all weekend long, didn't sleep well, feeling stressed, and anxiety is yet again getting the best of me. It's completely my fault. I know what helps me. Walking a bit outside after work. Writing. Relaxing. I don't do any of these things. I crave success but then I don't take care of myself, which is essential for success. I want to make a positive difference in the lives of many people, but I have to make a positive difference in my own life first. This is not easy. When it comes to me, I am lazy and apathetic. I just have never cared or put energy into myself. I've never treated myself like a friend. It's time to fight 30 years of this mentality and begin looking at myself as a friend. I need to support myself so that I can be better for everyone else. Time to get back onto the bandwagon.

The Spark

Even in my deepest pit of depression, I always had 'the spark' to keep me going. In fact, for most of my life, I was very professionally confident and carried that spark strongly. people would notice and say I was meant to do great things, and I felt that way too. I'm sure sure what happened, but I've somehow let that spark slowly die inside. Perhaps it was the 'real world' getting to me, or my lack of confidence. I just don't know. Whatever happened, I really miss my spark. Hell, people even thought I was cocky (before they talked to me) because I walked with such confidence and purpose. I miss that. I yearn for my spark again.

Feeling Hopeful

So I recently tried out another new Therapist. An older male this time. His name is Robert and he has a very warm energy about him. I liked his relaxing energy (and would like some of that to rub off on me!) and what he discussed in our session. He kept saying he could work with me to 'unpack' my emotional issues. I am so relieved as I feel that is so very necessary. This week I also tried acupuncture for the first time and WOW, do I suck at 'relaxing' or what? Of course I went in there sooo anxious. The acupuncturist (as most normal people would) assumed I was anxious about the needles. No, I'm fine with needles. I was anxious about the 'relaxation' part. You see, I have never purposefully meditated, or done yoga, or anything similar because the idea of 'relaxation' has always made me tremendously uncomfortable. Now I have spent 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, for as long as I can remember, in a state of constant 'on edge', tense, stressed feeling. That is 'comfort' to me. I define comfort as what I know, and uncomfortable is taking me outside that box. Well, of course she put the needles in, shut off the lights, and encouraged me to 'relax'. YIKES. My mind started spinning crazy fast, and I wanted to jump off that table and run out of the room. I kept trying to breathe and of course felt like I couldnt, and my hands were so sweaty and tingly. Somehow, I was able to calm myself down enough to not jump off the table, and actually slow my heartrate down to a normal pace (which it doesn't see too often). The Acupuncturist was impressed when she returned. For the next treatment, she asked me to turn onto my stomach and I immediately felt like I was going to throw up (one of my biggest obsessions and fears) but, as usual, I didn't. I made it through that treatment as well, finding it a bit easier than the first time to calm down my racing mind. Wow, acuopuncture stirred up a lot of emotional and physical reactions within me...my eyes started watering pretty much immediately and I felt energy moving all around my body. This was scary, yes. I'm still scared. Change is scary. However, I decided that this year I will take my life into my hands, and into God's, and do everything I can to get off medicine. This article for me, summed up so much of what everyone struggles with regarding mental illness, especially the meds. I highly encourage you to read: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-everyone-gets-wrong-about-mental-illness/ Here's to hope.

Dating Again

So as mentioned in my last post I am 'dating' again, which is what I like to call searching for a new Therapist. It reminds me of dating in so many ways- making dates then sitting down and chatting to see if you're a good match. I tried out the first new person last week and it didn't feel right. I'm going to sound so knitpicky when I say why, but it is what it is. She was nice, but she kept saying "yea" while I was talking, obsessively, in the middle of my sentences. It was quite distracting. I gave her a lot of good initial information about myself, and she seemed stumped as to what to say so she kept asking me "What else about you?" I was running out of things to say! I was really hoping for some feedback on things I had already said. I was going to give her another chance (second appt) but the more I thought about it, I really know what I like and what I don't like. I'm going to try going back to a male therapist which is what I had before, and I liked the counter balance of his personality with mine. I have made an appt with a male therapist for this Monday evening, so I'll follow up with an evaluation. In the meantime, I'm still on the same meds but I will have to do something about them pretty soon. I'll have to find a Psychiatrist or see if my primary care doctor can provide me with refills. We'll see what happens. I'm also trying acupuncture for the first time next week. I'm nervous about it but figure it's worth a shot, as a lot of people have recommended it for me. In bigger news, I finally bit the bullet and scheduled my MRI for my TMJ issues to take place in early February. I've taken a lot of initial steps to try to get myself healthier in 2014, so now it comes down to following through on everything.

Mid Week Check in

So last night was really hard for me to fall asleep. I was physically tired, but mentally was wide awake and my mind felt like it was spinning all these negative thoughts. I took a relaxing bath and tried breathing in lavendar scent but I just couldn't get relaxed for the longest time. I had to pray really hard and ask for God's assistance. Finally around 2:30-3am I fell asleep. At 5pm is my first appt with a new Therapist. I am optimistic and cautious at the same time- how does that make sense? I am happy to be trying someone new, and someone who (I'm assuming) is faith-based (her office is in a church) so hopefully her value system is more in sync with mine, and hopefully she can help me with my huge goal of getting off medication in a healthy way. We'll see. I'm going to be optimistic about 2014 being a huge year of positive but tough change for me. I need it. At the same time, I remember how difficult it was when I first started this journey four years ago to find someone who matched what I wanted in a Therapist. I had to go to so many that weren't a match. So, as mentioned, I am optimistic but also cautiously guarded and well aware that she may be my first of many Therapist trials in 2014. I will certainly keep everyone updated along the way. I am also not 100% sure that she does both therapy and medication management. This combination (to my dismay) is very hard to find. Usually, therapists do therapy then you go to a Psychiatrist who talks to you for 10 minutes and wants to shove pills down your throat. Pills that are scary and have scary side effects. Pills that change your brain chemistry. My apologies as I do not feel comfortable taking brain-altering chemicals for someone that only talked to me for 10 minutes. There are so many wrong things with the way mental health care is set up as it is set up to make it very difficult for those who need the help to get it. Its confusing, expensive, and often you wind up going to a Psychiatrist who is more interested in the scientific effects in your brain that what you are really dealing with day to day. There are so many changes that need to be made and I hope to see some in my lifetime, including: 1. Psychiatrists and Therapists aren't seperate people, they are the SAME person. Therefore, to be a Psychiatrist, you must also be interested in talking with and helping people on an emotional level 2. Standardized pricing. Psychiatrists don't have to accept insurance and the really good ones charge $250 EACH APPT or sometimes more. This to me is absurd. There needs to be a reasonable price and/or they should have to accept insurance. 3. Ratings. You can go to Angies List or etc to find out about a Plumber, but you have to go to a Therapist or Psychiatrist completely blind. So, if tons of other patients have had a bad experience, you then have to experience it. This is also absurd and there needs to be a way to find out who is a strong, viable resource for patients. And this resource needs to be free. Those are just three of my initial changes, if I were ever to become President :). I will remain hopeful that mental health care will continue to improve throughout my life time, and that if my children (whenever I have them) inherit my depression and/or anxiety, they will have a much better support system through society.

Tension

So I decided to decrease my medicine. I have not seen my old Therapist. That was a bad decision and I realize I shouldn't have done it on my own. I knew if I saw him he would tell me not to change the dose, or to increase it, or try a new medicine. I am not interested in any of those alternatives. I WANT OFF MEDS. Unfortunately, I am feeling a lot of physical and mental side effects from decreasing. I have cut my dose in half, which is what he had mentioned to me would be the first step if I were to completely go off meds. Since reducing them to half a dose, I have felt incredibly stressed and tense all.the.time. My back is literally in pain and it feels like its knotted up from stress. I remember this feeling from before I was on meds. I also feel incredibly on edge and stressed out for no apparent reason. This is the part of my disease that is the hardest to deal with. On or off meds, I never feel happy, relaxed, or comfortable. So what's better? I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I really feel at a loss as to what to do. Do I go back onto meds to ease the back pain, but still feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy that I'm on meds or do I stay off the meds and risk feeling physically worse than I do now? It's times like these that I feel like I'm so incredibly lost. My husband is urging me to listen to the medical professionals and not make any changes unless I'm under someone's care. I think he is right as it is risky to do it yourself (as much as you want to). I see my new Therapist starting tomorrow night. I know she may not be able to advise me on meds right off the bat, but hopefully it can be a start. Last night, my husband asked me what I was looking forward to and I had no response. That is depression in a nutshell. I need to feel hopeful again.

Getting Divorced in 2014

Today I came across a blog post about 'Getting Divorced' in 2014. It sounds like a great idea and I am joining this movement. No, I'm not leaving my spouse either. I plan to work on 'unplugging' myself from my addiction to my phone and the internet, and be in the moment much more than I am now. One of my more important Divorce decisions is something that I wanted to do in 2013, but knew 2014 would be the right year to make it happen. After 3+ years, I am 'divorcing' my current Therapist. He has helped me, a lot, over the past 3+ years. However, after all this time, I am still not where I want to be mentally, and I want to continue growing. Looking back on my time with this particular Therapist, he has been encouraging me to stay on ati-depressant medication. When I initially went to see him, I agreed that I really did need it. After all this time, however, I feel it has lost its positive effect on my life. I also strive to be a Mother one day, and I am way too paranoid to try to get pregnant while I have any kind of medication in my system. I was okay being on medicine while I was but long-term it's just not for me. I'm not for or against medicine, I think it's up to each individual person. For me, I really want to rely on my Faith and in myself to help get me to a better place. I want to nourish my soul and my mind, and work on being a more positive and happier person. This feels right as medicine has not felt right for a while. I need to listen to myself and give this a try. Looking back, I can also recall quite a few times when my Therapist would have a smug grin on his face when I would say something, almost like he was going to laugh at me. On the inside, I was very offended by this. However, I actively avoid confrontation and never stand up for myself, so I never mentioned it. There was also quite a few times that he would accuse me of being 'pissed' (i.e. "O, did I just piss you off?") or he would say it more bluntly. Confused, I would say "No, you didn't" because he didn't. Maybe I look pissed when I am thinking or processing a thought. I honestly have no idea. I need someone who 'gets' me and sure as hell doesn't actively offend me. Unfortunately, finding a Therapist is very similar to dating because it sucks. You call people, wait for a call back, sometimes it doesn't happen. Sometimes you talk via phone or email, or once in person, and you realize it's just not going to work out. And so your search continues. Then, when you find the right person (as I thought I had), sometimes time and changes within yourself and your life cause you to realize that they no longer match those changes the way you need them to, and that is okay. I make it harder on myself to find someone because I look for someone who does both therapy and medication meanagement, a very hard combination to find. Most therapists won't talk meds, and most Psychiatrists want to talk to you for 5-10 minutes and then tell you to get on something. I am most comfortable with a person willing to do both, and of course those people usually don't accept insurance because, simply, they don't have to. After much research I have my first appt with a new Therapist coming up later this month. It's a woman, and she's based out of a church, so it will be more of a spiritual therapy (I'm assuming). I am looking forward to trying something new, and at the same time very prepared to continue working on this and continue the search. Life is worth it.