When Patience Isn’t your Virtue: The Three Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve your Mental Health

I can’t tell you how many times people have told me that mental health recovery is a journey, and how hearing that makes me want to scream. I feel so anxious, and so down, and I really just want immediate recovery. Hearing that things take time can feel more than a bit discouraging.

The good news is, for those seeking instant gratification (like myself), there are three things that you can start doing right now that will improve your mental health.

1. Accept. When we feel anxious or depressed, our natural instinct is to go into ‘fight or flight’ mode, constantly fighting back with our mind by asking ‘why’ and judging ourselves for the way we feel. The more we fight, we are actually giving more power to the downward spiral of these negative feelings inside of us. So much power comes from accepting our own feelings. We may not understand them, but we do have the power to accept them. Simply saying “I am anxious” takes away so much power from the anxiety that is trying so hard to control you. Simply saying “I am depressed” automatically takes you from the defensive and allows you to feel more empathy toward yourself.  It’s time to take your power back. Accepting yourself is the first pivotal step to regaining your inner strength.

2. Breathe. When you’re anxious, breathing is often one of the first things that gets compromised. Your breath feels very short, and it’s scary, because you feel out of control. The truth is that your mind is just telling you that you are not in control when you actually are. Whether or not you feel like you can, simply try to extend your breath. While breathing in through your nose, expand your stomach (sometimes it helps to place a hand on your stomach to make sure it’s rising up). Next, as you continue to inhale, expand your chest (you can place the opposite hand on your chest to assist you). Breathe out slowly through your mouth, keeping your hands in place as your chest floats back down, followed by your stomach. Repeat this process a few times. The more you practice, the longer breaths you will be able to take.

3. Meditate. Telling an anxious or depressed person to be alone with our thoughts is like telling a person who’s afraid of heights to go jump off the high dive. People have been suggesting meditation to me for years, and I adamantly avoided their suggestions like the plague, as the last thing I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts. However, I was able to find a workaround. I began listening to free guided meditations online. Turns out, there are many free guided meditations that focus on anxiety, depression, stress reduction, and more. At first, it’s a bit of a guessing game as there are many to choose from and some will resonate with you more than others. If you keep trying, however, I guarantee you will find some that really help. I am now a happy subscriber to a few guided meditation channels on YouTube.  I find guided meditations much less intimidating when my mind is actively racing, as I am able to tune into someone else’s voice easier than I can tune out my own thoughts.

As much as I would love to tell you that you will instantly recover (that’s what I always wanted to hear), I won’t sell you on false hope. The hope I can give you, however, is that when you are feeling frustrated or down, using at least one of the three steps above will make an immediate positive difference. Consider them to be your foundation, and if you ever feel like you’re about to fall, remember that your foundation is there to catch you.

Anxiety

Tonight I am back on meds after trying to fight my anxiety and depression naturally without much success. I do believe that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain (which is hard for me to accept). I'm trying out Buspar. Starting at 5mg twice a day. The Nurse Practitoner I saw wanted me to take 5mg in the morning and 10mg at night but I'm much more comfortable starting slow. We'll see what happens.

As I lay here I feel my anxiety racing from this change. Thoughts are rushing through my head at light speed. A distinct memory resurfaced. That time in high school when I was hanging out with my friends in the parking lot of a grocery store (yea, we were cool) and I was enjoying myself until, all of the sudden, I was struck with a vision of a car speeding into the lot and running me over, killing me on the spot. I visualized my funeral and the news reports discussing my death. This memory was just one of several thousands that have made up my life. Anxiety has had this grip on me for as long as I can remember, taking me out of the moment and into fear as often as it could. During that time, as with so many others, no one could even tell that anything was 'off' with me. I always appeared put together despite the thoughts that frequently plagued me. So, as much as my anxiety and stubborn personality do not want to be on medicine, I have to hope that maybe it will help. Maybe it will help me get some of my life back, so I can be in the moment more and in my head less. Maybe, just maybe. Lots of prayer tonight.

Darkness is taking over

It's interesting because Spring is coming and there is more daylight outside yet I am feeling progressively more dark. Today I find myself wondering what, if anything, is the point to living. I cannot come up with anything. People expect me to be at this group tonight where I signed up to lead an activity- I can't bail since I bailed last time. I can't keep disappointing people and leaving them hanging. So, I'll go. Maybe they won't be able to tell how truly terrible I feel on the inside. Maybe, just maybe, it will give me the spark of hope that I secretly yearn for. I'm already overwhelmed thinking of the social obligations I have lined up in March and April. I have to have energy for all of this. Shouldn't I want to enjoy this? It feels very taxing and draining. I just want to lay down, in my room, alone, to be left alone. Truth is, I am not sure I will survive this. Everyone else thinks I'm great, but only I know the truth. This is overwhelming, and I have no idea which way is up.

Rough Morning

Today I went to an Orthodontist to get a second opinion. My bottom teeth are very crowded and I have an overbite, so I have thought of invisalign previously. I've also been dealing with TMJ for 3 years now. Recently the pain has become worse again as the orthodic made previously by the specialist I was seeing is no longer effective. I paid about $5,000 for treatments with that specialist and went through a long process of a MRI, getting a mold done (which I was terrified of), follow up appointments, and more. The fact that I still have this pain makes me feel like an idiot for spending all that time and money into something that ultimately did not work. I now have to think of starting over with a new specialist, who again isn't going to accept insurance.

To make it worse, I caused this. I grind my teeth at night which I am sure is a result of the fact that I am wired to be stressed out pretty much 24/7. It does not come naturally to me to relax. Sleep has always been a trigger for me. I suppose normal people feel restful when they go to bed- I get more on edge. I believe this is because when I was little I would often see ghosts in my room, so I spent the vast majority of my childhood being scared out of my mind to sleep- thinking someone/something would come attack me the second I actually relaxed. This mentally has unfortunately carried into adulthood.

Today I find myself feeling very down, lost, disappointed in myself in all ways. I feel so very weak.

The Downside of Sweets

So Sunday night we went to my in-laws to watch Superbowl and they had some sweets which (of course) I found myself partaking in, then I felt my mood majorly dive a bit later in the evening and it remained that way through Monday morning and early afternoon. Luckily I was somehow able to regroup myself and make it to the gym that evening- and I actually tried a class for the first time (something I had been very nervous about). I was still doing okay then I had ice cream last night around 9pm, and when I was trying to go to bed at 11pm I found myself struggling to do so with an active, jittery mind and negative images spiraling through my mind. Instead of succumbing to them I talked to them and asked them to go back to where they came from and that they didn't belong with me. They have spent the past 32 years coming to me making me believe that I was weak and powerless, and I now refuse to believe that. I also tap into my faith and ask God to send in his loving energy to send these thoughts away. Will they still haunt me? Absolutely. However, I can choose the amount of energy, time, and power I give to their whim. Fighting back is difficult but I have found it to be one of the absolute best things I can do for myself. I also recognize the importance of limiting sweets and, if I do partake, to make sure it's earlier in the day and not near bed time. This will be a really hard habit to break but I will have to at least try.

Also, last night, Mrs. Doubtfire came on TV and it was the first time I've watched a Robin Williams movie since he tragically ended his life. I found it had so much more meaning to me than it ever did before. So many people who have depression and anxiety are also amazingly creative and funny people, gifted with many wonderful attributes to bring to the world. The world needs us. Please keep fighting.

Muddled

Excuse my french, but I've been feeling like shit lately. I've also been hiding out again not wanting anyone to know the true depths of darkness that sit inside me. Before typing that first sentence, for instance, I felt guilty. "What if I offend someone?" "I don't want to come acorss like this horrible negative person" "I wouldn't want to be around someone like this." There is so much constant guilt, agony, and torment I impose on myself because of how I feel. Truth is, I am swinging from the ups and downs, highs and lows, and it's just unbearable. I don't want to see a Therapist or Psychiatrist because they will tell me to get back on medicine. While I do agree that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain, I also think so many of my issues stem from within my core/gut, as that is the place where they physicaly manifest themselves insids of my body. So to me medicine is like wearing a sling but no cast for a broken arm. Without the cast or sometimes surgery you can't fully heal. Medicine did help the part in my brain and at the times it seemed to work it had me feeling more hopeful about my life than I do currently feel. However, it never addressed the deep rooted issues I store within my core/gut, as it was not designed to do so. Winter has felt very rough and everything in my life feels like a giant vat of misery and stress. While I am still trying to do my best and maintain a smile so that no one knows the reality of how psycho I truly am, I feel that I am starting to lose it, one string at a time. I find myself thinking about Heath Ledger and Robin Williams. Maybe I'll just completely lose it then people will finally understand the hell I endured in my mind every day. My intuition/inner guiding light has been completely covered by the darkness which has taken over. Life feels unbearable. I understand why people do end it on their own accord.

Again, writing this plagues me with so much guilt that I feel this way when, on the outside, I appear to have a great life. This is mental illness. If I don't survive it, maybe someone will read this one day and it will save them. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will be able to survive. For now it's one day at a time and this is how it feels on a particularly dark one.

Down

I find myself feeling very physically and mentally ill, on the verge of a breakdown. I am not confident that I can survive this. At this point I am writing, feeling unsure if this writing will turn into a memoir to be read while I am still alive or not. I know telling my Doctor or therapist this would equal them telling me I need to be on medicine. I feel very desperate to find a holistic cure. As of now I feel that I am completely crumbling and I feel very alone. I am living in hell.