A Life of 'I should'

I've grown up with a lot of shoulds instilled in me. I should be happy. I should make other people happy. I should be a good person. Expectations were a lot to live up to. As an adult I feel very pressured to maintain my life of shoulds- even though they do not bring me true happiness or fulfillment. Rather, they make me feel empty.

I was recently advised to take away the 'shoulds' and start being true to myself. This will be a difficult task, but I know that it is one I must undertake. I need to be more honest with myself, and accept myself for who I really am and not who I (or anyone else) thinks I 'should' be.

Last evening I was listening to a guided meditation by Jason Stephenson on Youtube (look him up) and felt the call (again) to write children's books. Maybe I will begin following this call and see what happens.

The Swing

Yesterday I had a great day- I had finished reading Shadows in the Sun, a memoir about a woman who struggled with crippling mental illness and overcame it. I was so in awe of her strength that I wrote her a quick 'thank you' email, truly not expecting any type of response. Imagine my shock when she called me- pretty much immediately- upon receiving my email. She was so nice, positive, and I was shocked that she took the initiative to reach out. I felt so uplifted and inspired, thinking 'this could be me' as I have  the innate desire to connect with people and make a positive difference.

Then, true to form, my anxiety resurfaced last evening and I don't believe I got a restful sleep (I 'sleep' but I don't believe I reach the deepest levels of sleep as my restless mind interferes). I wake up this morning with no motivation to get out of bed. I just want to stay home, and lay down, all day. I have nothing to do, and nothing to contribute, so why bother. The rationale of having bills to pay forces me out of bed to get ready for work. But I am generally just dissatisfied and empty.

Again I am not looking forward to anything, especially the holidays and my birthday which are all approaching in the upcoming weeks. This year they seem to be a reminder of my lack of accomplishments and many personal failures. I feel very wek within myself and just so tired. I even feel lame writing this blog post- like UGH, pull yourself together! But, that is easier said than done. My only hope is that someone might read this and might feel less alone. I feel very alone.