Rough Morning

Today I went to an Orthodontist to get a second opinion. My bottom teeth are very crowded and I have an overbite, so I have thought of invisalign previously. I've also been dealing with TMJ for 3 years now. Recently the pain has become worse again as the orthodic made previously by the specialist I was seeing is no longer effective. I paid about $5,000 for treatments with that specialist and went through a long process of a MRI, getting a mold done (which I was terrified of), follow up appointments, and more. The fact that I still have this pain makes me feel like an idiot for spending all that time and money into something that ultimately did not work. I now have to think of starting over with a new specialist, who again isn't going to accept insurance.

To make it worse, I caused this. I grind my teeth at night which I am sure is a result of the fact that I am wired to be stressed out pretty much 24/7. It does not come naturally to me to relax. Sleep has always been a trigger for me. I suppose normal people feel restful when they go to bed- I get more on edge. I believe this is because when I was little I would often see ghosts in my room, so I spent the vast majority of my childhood being scared out of my mind to sleep- thinking someone/something would come attack me the second I actually relaxed. This mentally has unfortunately carried into adulthood.

Today I find myself feeling very down, lost, disappointed in myself in all ways. I feel so very weak.

The Downside of Sweets

So Sunday night we went to my in-laws to watch Superbowl and they had some sweets which (of course) I found myself partaking in, then I felt my mood majorly dive a bit later in the evening and it remained that way through Monday morning and early afternoon. Luckily I was somehow able to regroup myself and make it to the gym that evening- and I actually tried a class for the first time (something I had been very nervous about). I was still doing okay then I had ice cream last night around 9pm, and when I was trying to go to bed at 11pm I found myself struggling to do so with an active, jittery mind and negative images spiraling through my mind. Instead of succumbing to them I talked to them and asked them to go back to where they came from and that they didn't belong with me. They have spent the past 32 years coming to me making me believe that I was weak and powerless, and I now refuse to believe that. I also tap into my faith and ask God to send in his loving energy to send these thoughts away. Will they still haunt me? Absolutely. However, I can choose the amount of energy, time, and power I give to their whim. Fighting back is difficult but I have found it to be one of the absolute best things I can do for myself. I also recognize the importance of limiting sweets and, if I do partake, to make sure it's earlier in the day and not near bed time. This will be a really hard habit to break but I will have to at least try.

Also, last night, Mrs. Doubtfire came on TV and it was the first time I've watched a Robin Williams movie since he tragically ended his life. I found it had so much more meaning to me than it ever did before. So many people who have depression and anxiety are also amazingly creative and funny people, gifted with many wonderful attributes to bring to the world. The world needs us. Please keep fighting.

Muddled

Excuse my french, but I've been feeling like shit lately. I've also been hiding out again not wanting anyone to know the true depths of darkness that sit inside me. Before typing that first sentence, for instance, I felt guilty. "What if I offend someone?" "I don't want to come acorss like this horrible negative person" "I wouldn't want to be around someone like this." There is so much constant guilt, agony, and torment I impose on myself because of how I feel. Truth is, I am swinging from the ups and downs, highs and lows, and it's just unbearable. I don't want to see a Therapist or Psychiatrist because they will tell me to get back on medicine. While I do agree that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain, I also think so many of my issues stem from within my core/gut, as that is the place where they physicaly manifest themselves insids of my body. So to me medicine is like wearing a sling but no cast for a broken arm. Without the cast or sometimes surgery you can't fully heal. Medicine did help the part in my brain and at the times it seemed to work it had me feeling more hopeful about my life than I do currently feel. However, it never addressed the deep rooted issues I store within my core/gut, as it was not designed to do so. Winter has felt very rough and everything in my life feels like a giant vat of misery and stress. While I am still trying to do my best and maintain a smile so that no one knows the reality of how psycho I truly am, I feel that I am starting to lose it, one string at a time. I find myself thinking about Heath Ledger and Robin Williams. Maybe I'll just completely lose it then people will finally understand the hell I endured in my mind every day. My intuition/inner guiding light has been completely covered by the darkness which has taken over. Life feels unbearable. I understand why people do end it on their own accord.

Again, writing this plagues me with so much guilt that I feel this way when, on the outside, I appear to have a great life. This is mental illness. If I don't survive it, maybe someone will read this one day and it will save them. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will be able to survive. For now it's one day at a time and this is how it feels on a particularly dark one.