A Life of 'I should'

I've grown up with a lot of shoulds instilled in me. I should be happy. I should make other people happy. I should be a good person. Expectations were a lot to live up to. As an adult I feel very pressured to maintain my life of shoulds- even though they do not bring me true happiness or fulfillment. Rather, they make me feel empty.

I was recently advised to take away the 'shoulds' and start being true to myself. This will be a difficult task, but I know that it is one I must undertake. I need to be more honest with myself, and accept myself for who I really am and not who I (or anyone else) thinks I 'should' be.

Last evening I was listening to a guided meditation by Jason Stephenson on Youtube (look him up) and felt the call (again) to write children's books. Maybe I will begin following this call and see what happens.

The Swing

Yesterday I had a great day- I had finished reading Shadows in the Sun, a memoir about a woman who struggled with crippling mental illness and overcame it. I was so in awe of her strength that I wrote her a quick 'thank you' email, truly not expecting any type of response. Imagine my shock when she called me- pretty much immediately- upon receiving my email. She was so nice, positive, and I was shocked that she took the initiative to reach out. I felt so uplifted and inspired, thinking 'this could be me' as I have  the innate desire to connect with people and make a positive difference.

Then, true to form, my anxiety resurfaced last evening and I don't believe I got a restful sleep (I 'sleep' but I don't believe I reach the deepest levels of sleep as my restless mind interferes). I wake up this morning with no motivation to get out of bed. I just want to stay home, and lay down, all day. I have nothing to do, and nothing to contribute, so why bother. The rationale of having bills to pay forces me out of bed to get ready for work. But I am generally just dissatisfied and empty.

Again I am not looking forward to anything, especially the holidays and my birthday which are all approaching in the upcoming weeks. This year they seem to be a reminder of my lack of accomplishments and many personal failures. I feel very wek within myself and just so tired. I even feel lame writing this blog post- like UGH, pull yourself together! But, that is easier said than done. My only hope is that someone might read this and might feel less alone. I feel very alone.

Stuck

Today I'm feeling stuck. Very stuck. Stuck in a job I don't love but can't leave because I need the money. Stuck in a house that my husband picked out before he met me- and while I have made changes to make it mine as well, I was not involved with picking the house and therefore will never 100% feel as though it's mine. Stuck because as much as my heart desires a 'move' I know that a 'move' would bring about a short demographic cure, but not fix this stuck feeling. For I have felt stuck before and know this very well. I am stcuk in myself, not moving forward, after all these years. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. I just 'show up' for life but I don't particularly enjoy it. Time just passes me by- meanwhile, I'm just stuck.

Giving Up the Window Seat

My husband and I recently traveled together and on our way into the plane coming home I thought to myself "Give him the window seat." This may not seem like a big deal to some but let me explain.

We've known each other for a little over four years. When we met, I made it CLEAR that I MUST ALWAYS HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT. Much like my other high maintenance travel demands, he smiled and willingly caved, never arguing or even so much as asking if he could have it just one time. All the sudden, last evening, I found myself wanting to give him the window seat. Why? Because I realized that I have been selfish. I have been taking the more comfortable seat with the better view for four years, because I had someone who was willing to give it to me. I realized I no longer wanted to be selfish, and do something nice for him. When I told him to take the window seat, he was so taken aback that he said "No, you take it" and insisted on still giving it to me. I sat in my usual window seat, except this time it didn't feel comfortable. I wanted to follow through on my desire and allow him the opportunity to sit there. I stated that I would feel much happier if he took the window seat, so we switched. Once he got comfortable, I saw the smile on his face and the light in his eyes as he said a very genuine 'Thank you'. I felt at peace and happy.

I know to many people giving up a window seat is so little and simple, but to me it was rather profound. To me it represented that after 2.5 years of marriage, I am finally willing to put my husband first and show him a small act of kindness in appreciation of everything he does for me. Mainly, the fact that he waited 2.5 years for me to finally give up that window seat.

Hope from Rainbows

Yesterday was a rough day, physically and mentally. I found myself questioning if I would ever feel better or be able to find a brighter side to life. I arrived at my Therapist appointment much earlier than usual and since it was nice outside decided to stroll around the building while I waited. I couldn't find a bench so I sat down on a grassy hill and played some music from my Iphone. About 10 minutes (give or take) after I sat down, I looked up and noticed this rainbow:

Note that there was no rain, the entire day. Upon seeing this I was awestruck- and had the feeling it was meant for me as a message from God/the Universe/someone that I am being looked after, and there is hope for a brighter future. This really resonated with me because I had the SAME THING happen a few weeks ago, in a completely different location. Again, there had been no rain that day and I found myself in a location that I would typically not travel to- and again, happened to look up and find a rainbow:

The fact that this has happened to me twice in a few weeks is something I do not see as a coincidence. I believe I am receiving messages of hope that I wanted to share on here in hopes of sharing the wonderful feeling that was given to me. I am truly blessed.

My Perception vs. Reality

Lately I've been feeling like I'm back to low- back down to how I was before I started medicine. However, when I share this feeling with friends and family they tell me that they think I've improved since coming off of the medicine. These are all people who would be honest with me so I find that rather surprising, and I wonder how truly different my perception is from theirs. Is my perception merely jaded by a depressed and anxious mind? In my perception, I am doing horribly. Feeling mentally and physically like crap all the time, yet I guess I can't really be doing that bad based off what others are saying?

I also find myself at a personal and profesional crossroad of sorts- since 2007 I thought I wanted to be in the training field but recently I have felt myself shifting from that. I have much more desire to connect with people 1:1 and in a meaningful way. I just feel lost.

Rising Above Dark Waters

I find myself feeling crappy again today. I am trying my best to think about and emulate the lotus flower.

During my first time attending Yoga Nidra, the instructor used a guided meditation which involved lily pads and lotus flowers. In the meditation she spoke that despite the muddiness of the water that lies beneath it, the lotus flower chooses to rise above and bloom. If any water gets splashed onto the flower, it rolls right off and remains beuatiful. I found this to be an immensely powerful analogy to depression and mental health struggles in general. I find myself feeling like I am in the midst of the water and it is very hard to find my way out. The lotus flower gives me hope that it is possible.

All kinds of -ated

Today I find myself all kinds of -ated

• Agitated
• Constipated
• Irritated
• Frustrated
• Discombobulated

The weather is cloudy and rainy and crappy which is the perfect representation of my current mindset. Crappy. I also feel very lost- what am I supposed to be doing with my life? Why am I SO -ated? Why can't I just be happy? This is an all too familiar feeling.

I find myself thinking about times in my life when I felt happier- what was I doing? Truth is, I'm not really sure. There are times that I look back in my life and believe I was happier, but I am not sure if I truly felt happier in that moment or if I just think I was happier when I look back. I need to spend more time living in the present and trying to improve my mindset and attitude instead of constantly looking back and constantly worrying about what might happen in the future.

I just thought of this analogy for depression:

I feel like I'm walking in the woods and it's raining and I'm stuck in a mud pit. Physically I cannot remove myself from the mud pit. I start getting mad at everyone in my life- why is no one there to help me from this mud pit? Then I realize that I am the only one who got stuck in this mud pit and I am the only one who can truly get myself out of it. The first step is believing that I can. Believing in my mind that the clouds have parted and there is sunshine on my face. Believing I find the strength to physically remove myself from the mud pit. Believing I stand up with pride, look back down, and find it hard to believe how I ever got there in the first place. Asking family and friends for help while I work to keep myself away from the mud pit, which constantly calls my name as it yearns to drag me back down. This is the daily process of depression.

The Ego Has Landed

The above saying is what I used to say about myself that I still feel is relevant today. I am, in fact, an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Perfect example. I recently went to two interviews with the same company. After the first interview I liked most things about it, but wasn't sure if the position was right for me. During the second interview it was revealed I'd be working in a different office location than I initially expected- and I did not like that. Plus I was still questioning the job. I had the feeling I wouldn't be getting an offer, and I felt in my gut that it wasn't the right position for me.

Today I received my official (and sterile) rejection email. Since seeing that email my ego has felt bruised- why didn't they want ME? Even if I really didn't want them, they should have wanted me. My mind starts to spin, wondering what they said about me in post-interview conversation and why they ultimately chose someone else. For the second interview they had me go through the process of delivering a presentation- which I went to the Library and paid to have color handouts printed for- so now I find myself bitter and resentful toward the sterile email they sent in response. Gee, thanks for the appreciation! Again, the constant need for approval and recognition from others is so strong- my ego craves it. My ego runs my mind like a wild beast, keeping me miserable.

I need to learn how to let go of my ego's desires to achieve true peace and happiness.

The Beauty of Pets

I have two cats which I am pretty obsessed with- they're my babies. Of course people call me Crazy Cat Lady but I'd like to think I'd be just as crazy about any pet I owned whether it be dog, bird, reptile, or etc. I believe that animals have beautiful souls and teach us so much- they are very loving, unconditionally, and they do not judge us even when we're at our worst. When we mess up (forgetting to give them attention) or etc, they forgive us and still love us. We humans have so much we could learn from animals. Both of my cats show me this unconditional love and I am truly grateful. They both let me know that they want and value my attention, and they often purr when they get it. There is not much more soothing in the world then a cat's purr.

So, this is my quick Public Service Announcement (PSA) for pets- no matter what kind. They are both also rescues which was very rewarding to know they have upgraded to a much better life than that of what would have been on the street/outside. I'm not sure if my two cats will ever understand how much they mean to me. I do believe in many ways that they are very wise souls- so perhaps they already do.

Facebook Detox

So I had been thinking for some time that I needed to break up with Facebook/detox from it. I had come to a few realizations:

1. I was too addicted, checking multiple times per day
2. Nearly 100% of the time I'd find a picture or post that would ignite the massively insecure part of my brain
3. The crappy feeling/self sabotage effect of #2 had also become an addiction

I was also inspired by a friend who did the Facebook detox a few months ago. I found myself wanting to start at the same time but feeling like I couldn't. I had let myself believe, at some level, that I needed it and it needed me. A very unhealthy codependent relationship- with something that doesn't have feelings.

So I'm on Day 2 of my detox and so far I'm pretty amazed how frequently the urge has stuck me throughout both days. I will have to take it one day at a time, and I plan to use helpful tools such as this blog to give me something more productive to do when the urge strikes. I am not at all saying Facebook is a bad thing. My mindset around Facebook had become quite destructive for me. Moving forward in a positive direction. At this point I am not sure if I will rejoin after the 28 day hiatus. Taking that one day at a time.

Lost

Today was a difficult one. I felt myself again feeling very lost and down, wondering what is my purpose in this world (if I have one). I used to feel I did- which is what helped pull me through my teenage years of depression. In college I believed I did as well, then grad school. It all came to shambles when what I thought was my dream career started falling apart around me. That was in 2013- two years later I'm still asking myself who I am, what I was meant to be, and feeling like I don't belong anywhere.

I feel completely unmotivated to go into an empty office with no human interaction and no one that cares if I am there. I feel so very disconnected from myself, my faith, and the world. For me, this is one of the utterly worst feelings I can experience yet I find myself in it again and without knowing how to escape.

This is mental dis-ease, I suppose.

Attitude

This week I have been SO irritated. I've woken up every week day since Monday IRRITATED that I had to go into my office. You see, I'm the only one in my department that needs to be in our physical office every day. So, I got bitter, angry, resentful, and IRRITATED. Why am I being picked on? Why am I being forced to come in when nobody else is?

I have realized how LAME and CRAPPY my attitude is. With many people struggling to make an income, I find myself complaining about having an office to go into. Catholic guilt (from a childhood of being raised catholic) sets in. Seems like a true "first world problem" doesn't it?

I hav also realized how much my attitude needs to change. I need to be grateful for my blessings, including having a job to feel 'irritated' about. Maybe if my attitude changes, circumstances will change for the better as well. Of course this is MUCH easier said than done. I guess that's the first step, realizing a shift needs to happen. Next is the 'how'- still working on that one.

Therapy and Meditation

Today I really didn't want to go to Therapy. I didn't feel like driving and I just didn't feel like I was up for it. Luckily, the financial obligation of having to pay if I cancelled last minute was enough to force myeself to go. I quickly realized that the times you really don't feel like going are the times you really need to go.

Truth be told, I have come back to the plce where I don't feel like doing anything, or going anywhere, so I knew therapy was not really the problem. My Therapist and I had discussed  last week of taking more of a cognitive approach and so this week she was challenging some of my thoughts. As she spoke, I logically knew she was correct but emotionally I could feel my head fighting back with her- my head is quite stubborn and not going down easily. Some key concepts we focused on were just because you have a feeling and you believe it to be true that does not necessarily mean that it is true. This is something I understand at a logical level but again my emotions want to fight it with all the gusto they have. She also mentioned to me that I need to be more nurturing to myself, which is something that again I have logically been aware of for quite sometime but, to be honest, have not practiced. This will be immensely difficult as it does not come naturally. I am up for the challenge and willing to give it a try.

Since I like to share resources I find- last night I came across a free 21-day online meditation series. It just started yesterday so here's the link: https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience. I was always very resistant to meditation- then about 50 different people over the course of the past seven years have told me I needed to try it- so I finally started a few months ago. While I would consider myself a beginner, I am enjoying it more than I thought I would and I do find it relaxing (a word normally foreign to my being). So, if you are a stubborn ox like myself, my advice is to get over yourself and just try it :).

Which Way is Up?

This past weekend involved a trip away with my husband. Weather was very nice and activities were (designed to be) relaxing. So, what do I do? I continue to make myself feel like crap by continuing to live in crapland in my mind. The majority of the weekend while my husband was relaxing and having fun I was too busy occupied in my own head with relentless, self sabotaging thoughts.

This weekend reminded me of why I decided to get on medicine several years back. I feel so mentally ill and, as a result, physcially ill as well. It is very taxing and exhausting, and I don't know how to get out of something that seems to have taken over my mind, body, and spirit. I know getting back onto medicine (at least right now) is not the right move for me. I would not feel comfortable becoming pregnant while on medicine for fear of potential side effects. However, I absolutely refuse to pass on these traits (genetically speaking) and also model depressive/anxious behaviors in front of my children. So, I'm at a catch 22 and not sure how to move forward. The idea of not being able to be a Mom haunts me and kills my spirit.

Overall, I feel that my depression and anxiety are feeling very powerful as of late and tearing down any happiness I have. They are fighting me really hard as they do not want to go anywhere, since they have been very powerful over me for my entire lifespan.

At this point, I am wondering which way is up and questioning how to get there. I feel that I have no other option to do but to pray.

Taking the Trash Out

My husband and I sat on the couch together Sunday evening and he said "I really enjoyed this weekend." I saw his genuine smile and the light in his eyes. My first thought was "What? How? This weekend was far from good." My mind quickly began going back over how for most of the weekend I was tired, feeling congested, and obsessing over how something 'must be' physically wrong with me. Then I realized something pretty significant. I am a believer in 'The Secret' aka the law of attraction yet I had been saying out loud ALL weekend how tired I was, and how something must be wrong with me. Better yet, for the 100 times I said something out loud there were at least 500 more that the thoughts were running through my head with immense power. According to the law of attraction, I am making myself feel like crap by giving all of these thoughts so much power. I started crying because I felt bad that I was so negative after he had been so positive, and I was upset that my natural reaction is to be that negative. I have embraced crying as of late and see it as a healthy form of release. I then decided that starting today I would take out the trash, aka the obsessive negative self depricating thoughts, and focus on the positive.

I started my day off by going to work...a job I less than admire. I made it in on time and put a good effort in to get things done. While I wasn't 'thrilled' to be there I was there. I caught myself drifting into the dream land of 'what job do I want?' thinking and would try to pull myself back in and focus on the tasks at hand. It wasn't easy, especially when I hit a mental wall around 3pm. I stayed until 5pm and then eagerly rushed out the door. For today, that was an accomplishment.

I still feel as though I am floundering with 100 thoughts in my mind at any given moment- what should I do to be happy? What should I be when I grow up? When (if ever) will I feel ready to be a Mom? And many more. On Friday morning I tried out a craniosacral massage- very light touch and also spiritual- meant to remove blockages from your body. I found the process to be very interesting and noted that it did cause my anxiety to surface quickly afterward. I worked through it and was able to stick with all the plans I had made for that evening which included visiting a friend. The massage therapist was intuitive and gave me some feedback including that I am too serious about my emotional work and need to balance it out by providing myself with opportunities for fun. True to nature after she said that I sat there and thought seriously about what I could do to give myself fun...hmm, there goes that thinking again. At the same time I am trying to be nicer to myself and cut myself some slack as I go through all of these changes. I'm a work in progress.

Tuesday Turmoil

Last night around 12am I finally talked myself into listening to my Yoga Nidra CD and attempting to get some sleep. While I found it very difficult to fully relax and engage in the CD, I tried. I fell asleep probably around 1am then woke up at 3am with stomach cramps from my period. I quickly realized I would not be falling back asleep anytime soon so I went downstairs. Lucky for me my favorite show of all time "I Love Lucy" is on Hallmark channel every weekday morning at 5am. I watched that from 5am-7am. I have realized that in my treatment I was neglecting humor and I am feeling the importance of bringing that back into my life. Humor is very therapeutic for me and making myself and others laugh is something that fills my soul in a positive way. Of course it's also one of the first things to go when I feel down in the dumps.

Around 7am I felt the strong urge to sit on our back deck and cry, so I did. I prayed very hard during this time asking for God to help me get through this. I am not preaching here but I don't see how surviving mental illness is possible without faith in something, whatever that may be. That is God for me.

I'm currently 'working from home'- I need to get back to the office today to get stuff done but not sure if that will happen. I'm still feeling very mentally and physically ill, and exhausted. I am going to resist the urge to nap today in hopes that I may be able to sleep at a decent time tonight. At this point, all I can do is try everything I can and pray.

Writing Again

I sat here thinking tonight of how I shouldn't come back to this blog and how no one probably reads it any way. How it's been too long and I hadn't kept up with it and I will inevitably fall off the bandwagon again so what's the point. Then I thought about how that is classic mental illness. Wanting to do something then stopping oneself with worry and inner turmoil. I also thought about the one person who might happen to come across this and feel less alone. This is for you.

Today was the crappiest of all time crap. Physically, I've had chest congestion going on for about two weeks- I got on antibiotics last week which seemed to make me feel worse. The Dr. suggested I go for a chest X-ray today so I jumped at the chance- it's been in the back of my mind for probably at least two years that I've had some sort of foreign object in my lungs- my chest feels heavy and I'm always tired. Of course, results came back that my chest was fine. I had a flash back to several years ago when I was fully convinced something was wrong with my stomach to the point where I put myself through several tests (x-rays, colonoscopy, endoscopy, just to name a few) and all came back negative. Then, I got on Lexapro and after I adjusted to it my stomach ailments magically went away. I had the realization that I have been prisoner to my thoughts for my entire life of 31 years. I have a choice: how much more time do I want to serve? It can easily turn into a life sentence. I find myself back in that place now, feeling physically and mentally ill, and not sure which way is up and how to get there. Hopefully coming back to this blog is one way to start.

About a month ago I made the decision to come off of my anti depressant medication. While it did help me initially, I felt that recently it was not really helping me to the point where the help outweighed the side effects. I also have the innate strong desire to be a mother and realized that I did not feel safe achieving that dream if I were to remain on medication- too many potential side effects to worry about. Note that this is MY PERSONAL BELIEF. I ultimately believe that everyone should research, listen to their doctor and their gut. I am simply sharing my thoughts but not advising- I'm far from a Doctor!

While the transition off has been quite the roller coaster I have no regrets about it. My depression has resurfaced making it harder for me to be at peace and enjoy things, but I am noticing everything in stride and doing my best to combat it. My anxiety also resurfaced with fears of sleeping returning and the fear of  amajor medical condition (something in my lungs). It's quite amazing to me how powerfully stress manifests itself into ones physical body.

Now I find myself at a cross roads where change is needed but how and where do I go? Currently I've been seeing a Therapist weekly for over the past year, and while I have felt benefits from seeing her there is also stress involved with the commute and I have been questioning lately if the stress is more than the benefit. I have come to realize that I am a very spiritual being and may find more comfort in going to someone who operates on the same spiritual realm. I am not completely sure...I plan to pray on it, a lot.

One thing I did a few months ago was attend an Emotions Anonymous meeting. I found this to be a very valuable use of my time. I also took the opportunity to purchase the book and workbook they were selling at that meeting. The few times I have opened the book to read and work on activities I have felt as though they were speaking right to me. This is definitely a resource I'd recommend to anyone going through something similar to myself.

Another positive resource I found is Yoga Nidra. I heard about this through my Therapist and I must say the few times I have done it I find it to be wonderful for my overall mentality. Much like most things that are good for me I stray from it easily. There are even free samples of this practice on Youtube- I recommend you try before going to sleep at night. It's normal to want to avoid it- the last place we want to be is within ourselves. It's also normal to want to judge yourself as that is our full time job (isn't it?) but try your best to be patient, calm, and really give it a strong effort. You may be as amazed as I was. I made the investment into taking a class in June and left feeling the most positive I've felt in a long time. I plan to try to take another class in July.

Long story short, this is infact a lifelong battle and you have to equip yourself with all the tools necessary to stand a fighting chance. I will continue to update this blog about my experience in hopes that maybe I can help one person feel that they aren't the only one going through something similar.

Wanting off the rollercoaster

Again it's been a while since I checked in here. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. Last month I switched from Cymbalta to Zoloft since I had heard from several different sources that Zoloft is safe with pregnancy and I have strong aspirations to be a Mother. The past month has been really rough transition as I am experiencing many physical symptoms (back pain, tension, nausea) and my mindset has been a rollercoaster, constantly dipping up and down. Driving me crazy (and Im sure everyone around me crazy too). At this point, I am not looking forward to anything. I feel like physical crap- and I feel lost for an answer. Should I remain on Zoloft? Should I not be on anything? I really don't know. I am continuing to go to Therapy once a week and that is helping my mood improve but only on a short term basis. I know I can fight this but I am so tired. I will continue praying as I do believe God has me on earth for a reason and will help me get through this. It's such a hard fight and I want to get better so I can help others in the future.

The Real Cover Letter

Last week I went on an interview for a pretty high level job. I felt that I didn't do well answering the interview questions as the job had some strong aspects in a field I am very unfamiliar with. I guess I did better than I thought as they called me back yesterday to offer me a second interview. I politely declined, as the job was a bit too far away from my home base with a long, frustrating commute and the job was not interesting enough to make the commute worthwhile. Today I found myself thinking "What if, when we applied to a job, we were HONEST and laid it out there on the table? What would that look like?" So far I have only been honest about my mental health in one job interview, and that was because it was a job for a nonprofit mental health organization. That went really well and I was offered the job, but I declined due to severe pay cut and lack of potential growth. Any who, I imagine a real cover letter would look something like this: Dear (Employer), Hello, my name is (Name) and I am writing to express my interest in (Position). I bring with me 31 years of experience in handling anxiety and depression on a non-stop, daily basis. Out of these 31 years, I have a solid 17 years of holding a part or full time job while masking any symptoms to my employers. I will come across extremely professional and confident but please know that I usually don't like myself. On the outside I am smiling and speaking with confidence and poise while inside I am screaming for yours, or anyone's, approval. This is impossible to fully attain as the approval I actually seek is from myself. My anxiety will worsen on occasion that you ask me to sit through a meeting, particularly a long one. While you discuss the work related material the meeting was set up for, I will be sitting there wiping the clamminess from my palms, trying to slow down my racing heart, breathing deeply, staring at the clock, and plotting my escape. I will also be wondering how you react when I inevitably throw up on the table, pass out on the floor, or just run out the door at high speed. I feel much better when I am in control of the situation and can come and go as I please. I must be able to leave the office at Tuesday promptly at 5pm to attend my weekly cognitive behavioral therapy session. I must also be allowed to leave early one afternoon every 3 months for a medicine check in with my Psychiatrist. Please do not ask me to attend any work lunches or especially dinners as the anxiety I experience during a meeting gets much higher in these settings. If you can accept me for me, there are a few good things as well. My consistent state of anxiousness comes in handy during a crisis. In times that most people are very anxious and scattered (i.e. natural disaster, etc) I am remarkably calm. I am also very empathetic and understanding, trying to help others overcome any insecurities they experience. Despite being a shy introvert at heart, I have a love for performing on stage and public speaking. Even more than that, I love making people smile and laugh. Thank you for the opportunity to be honest and accepted for me. Sincerely, (Name)