In the midst of anxiety

Today I'm a hott mess. Right now I am sitting at my desk jittering on the inside, and feeling like its impossible to sit still. My brain feels like its having a spaz attack across my head. I feel like I'm not breathing correctly. I'm about to pass out. I'm in the midst of a panic attack. Trying to breath slowly, deeply, and tell myself that everything is okay. Telling myself that if I do pass out at my desk, as I fear I will, that someone would call 911 or do something to help me. Despite trying to talk myself down I have not been able to relax as of yet. My acupuncturist taught me how to breathe deeply through my abdomen so I am trying to do just that. I am also staring at the clock thinking "Okay two more hours, you can do it" even though it seems impossible. A coworker just stopped by to ask me a question- she would have asked me what was wrong, right? I guess I appear to be okay, even though I feel like such a mess on the inside. This is anxiety and I wanted to write about it in case other people are or have experienced something similar. You're not alone.

Fell off the bandwagon

Lately I have fallen off the bandwagon and slipped into tried and true methods of self-sabotage. I ate bad all weekend long, didn't sleep well, feeling stressed, and anxiety is yet again getting the best of me. It's completely my fault. I know what helps me. Walking a bit outside after work. Writing. Relaxing. I don't do any of these things. I crave success but then I don't take care of myself, which is essential for success. I want to make a positive difference in the lives of many people, but I have to make a positive difference in my own life first. This is not easy. When it comes to me, I am lazy and apathetic. I just have never cared or put energy into myself. I've never treated myself like a friend. It's time to fight 30 years of this mentality and begin looking at myself as a friend. I need to support myself so that I can be better for everyone else. Time to get back onto the bandwagon.

The Spark

Even in my deepest pit of depression, I always had 'the spark' to keep me going. In fact, for most of my life, I was very professionally confident and carried that spark strongly. people would notice and say I was meant to do great things, and I felt that way too. I'm sure sure what happened, but I've somehow let that spark slowly die inside. Perhaps it was the 'real world' getting to me, or my lack of confidence. I just don't know. Whatever happened, I really miss my spark. Hell, people even thought I was cocky (before they talked to me) because I walked with such confidence and purpose. I miss that. I yearn for my spark again.