Tonight I am back on meds after trying to fight my anxiety and depression naturally without much success. I do believe that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain (which is hard for me to accept). I'm trying out Buspar. Starting at 5mg twice a day. The Nurse Practitoner I saw wanted me to take 5mg in the morning and 10mg at night but I'm much more comfortable starting slow. We'll see what happens.
As I lay here I feel my anxiety racing from this change. Thoughts are rushing through my head at light speed. A distinct memory resurfaced. That time in high school when I was hanging out with my friends in the parking lot of a grocery store (yea, we were cool) and I was enjoying myself until, all of the sudden, I was struck with a vision of a car speeding into the lot and running me over, killing me on the spot. I visualized my funeral and the news reports discussing my death. This memory was just one of several thousands that have made up my life. Anxiety has had this grip on me for as long as I can remember, taking me out of the moment and into fear as often as it could. During that time, as with so many others, no one could even tell that anything was 'off' with me. I always appeared put together despite the thoughts that frequently plagued me. So, as much as my anxiety and stubborn personality do not want to be on medicine, I have to hope that maybe it will help. Maybe it will help me get some of my life back, so I can be in the moment more and in my head less. Maybe, just maybe. Lots of prayer tonight.
