Waking Up Asleep

So today started off interesting. I woke up while I was in the middle of a 'dream' or while my subconscious was still stirring around. Last night I went to 'sleep' feeling stressed out (which is normal for me) and it took me a few hours until my body would let me pass out. My back was in knots and my thoughts were spinning very fast. Again, very normal for me, especially at night time. When I woke up, I looked at the clock and could have sworn it said 2:00pm. I was very upset as, since being laid off, I have started volunteering on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons at 1:45pm, so that meant I overslept. At the same time, in this same subconscious dream/haze/whatever it was, I thought I had a conversation with a former colleague of mine who I am using as a reference for an upcoming interview. Once I finally snapped into reality, I realized it was 11am and I had not spoken to this former colleague. Very interesting experience. You gotta love stress and the things it does to your mind and body. Any way, I went into volunteer as usual and had a nice time with the retirement home folk. I had started that a few weeks ago when I realized that for the sake of my sanity, at least the little that is left, I needed to do SOMETHING outside of the house during the week. I have to say its the best thing I've done for myself in a really long time. I love the older population as they are so loving and genuine. I am still on 10mg of Lexapro and have not begun taking Cymbalta. I read online that Cymbalta has some side effects which scare me. In general, medicine scares me. I think I'm going to stay on 10mg for a week, as my Therapist suggested, and then decide if I want to go down to 5mg (which would be the path to weaning off) or if I want to start Cymbalta. I'm taking that one day at a time. I've also done something for myself that was long overdue- I booked an appointment with a TMJ Specialist in mid-September. A year and eight months ago I experienced Vertigo for the first time, and it scared me to pieces. As a result, I visited a ENT who then referred me to an Audiologist to be tested for Vertigo. She found two different types in my inner ear, and performed an Epley manuever on me. Ever since, I have still had fullness in my left ear and I get light headed pretty often and easily. It's annoying, but I've just learned how to 'deal with it' for the time. I believe that it may be connected to TMJ as I was diagnosed with that a few years back. Stress, again, most likely the root cause as I grind my teeth at night (my least favorite habit)...combine that with the deathly fear of getting a mold done (I've had a few people tell me I would gag, and I am so afraid of gagging or throwing up that I won't do it), and you get me. I am glad I have FINALLY made this appt with a TMJ specialist to help determine if TMJ is the cause for my ear and dizziness, or not. Either way, it will be nice to know. My jaw is often sore on the same side where my ear is full, so I am hoping that means there is a connection and he may be able to help me. I'll make sure to share those experiences on here as well in hopes that I could help other people who may be going through something similar.

Life's Beauty Comes In the Unexpected

Today I woke up feeling pretty darn depressed. I really struggled to get myself out of bed. I wound up getting up around 12:30, three hours later than I should have. I was due to volunteer and, as typical with depression, I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home, in bed, miserable. With depression misery is a comfortable state, and even though you don't like it...you don't want to leave it at the same time. Luckily, I forced myself to go. When I arrived, I unexpectedly had to lead the activity for the first time. At first it was a bit of a struggle as the crowd was sleepy (this is a Retirement Home, after all), but it did improve as I figured out what things stimulated them most. My favorite parts of the day I wanted to share via this blog. The first thing happened during a brain stimulation activity, when I asked the residents to name an animal that starts with the letter J. A man named Frank who is very nice but who is usually asleep during activities, perked up and said "Jackass!" with a big smile on his face. I certainly was not expecting that response, and I loved it. For a brief second, Frank was his young, funny self. It was so awesome to see his spirit shine through in his smile. Following my activity, a volunteer came in to lead everyone in a dice game which they play on a weekly basis. There is one resident in particular, Edie, who is in a wheelchair and usually does not participate in things. Her husband is still very mentally with it, and also in better physical shape as he does not require a wheelchair. Her husband inspires me every time I see him. Today was no exception. When it was Edie's turn to play the game, her husband lovingly sat behind her, gently guiding her arm and helping her to play. Whether or not she scored highly on a turn, he cheered her on as if she was winning the game. His love and devotion is something I find both adoring and inspirational. To me, that is true love, and it is beautiful to see. As usual, volunteering gave me uplifting energy and I felt much better when I left than when I arrived. Following that, I went to my parent's house and took a nice walk around the neighborhood with my Dad. My Dad and I hadn't spent 1:1 time in quite a while, and we had a nice conversation together. It was such a beautiful night out, and I really felt revitalized from my walk. On a different topic, medicine, I decided (for now) to start tapering off of the Lexapro. I have not fully decided if I want to try taking Cymbalta or not. For now, I want to taper off the Lexapro and continue walking at least a few times a week, then see how I feel. So, I'm currently down from 20mg of Lexapro to 10mg daily. As mentioned in my previous post, I received guidance from my Therapist on how to wean myself off before doing this. I will share my experiences and emotions during this journey as just a FYI for anyone curious. In general, I really enjoy talking about my experiences in hopes that it might help someone else feeling the same way. Depression feels so evil sometimes, so that is where prayer is so essential to keep the power of good in your life and in your mind. I am striving to do just that.

Medicine

Today I went to see my Therapist. I started seeing him over four years ago because I was feeling really depressed. At the time, I really appreciated him because he took the time to explain to me more information about medicine and actually made me comfortable enough to start taking Lexapro. That was a HUGE deal because I am very afraid of all medicines- even basic ones like Tylenol. I just hate putting chemicals into my body. Any way, I started on the Lexapro journey having myself convinced that I would only need it for about a year and then would be able to wean off of it. Well, here we are over four years later and I'm still on it. At first, the Lexapro really did help. I noticed a lift in my mood and my friends and loved ones noticed I was more positive, and I felt more positive too. However, the past year, I have felt like the medicine is no longer really helping. As my Therapist stated, it has probably overextended its welcome. At my appointment tonight my Therapist suggested I try switching to Cymbalta but I am not sure what I am going to do yet. On a personal level, I really want to be free of taking any anti-depression medication. Due to my feelings on medicine, I really have no desire to be on it for the rest of my life. At the same time, I'm really afraid of becoming more depressed than I already am. So, I really have to pray on this and make the best decision and do what feels right to me. I am planning to either completely ween off of Lexapro or switch to Cymbalta, and I need to start that change (whichever change I decide) as soon as possible since I know what I am doing right now is not working. I remember over four years ago when I got the prescription for Lexapro and I was so deathly afraid to take it. I was pretty convinced it was going to kill me in my sleep. I remember taking the first pill and praying to God that I would live to see the next day. The idea of completely leaving the medicine I have been on for over four years is really scary. You grow to know it and it becomes a part of you. I had also thought about looking for a new Therapist that would be more encouraging for me to come off of medicine, but I have had a very difficult time finding someone new. When I go into my appointments, I do feel that my Therapist knows me very well and is able to help me re-frame my thinking in a more healthy manner. At the same time, I have definitely not made the amount of progress that I would have liked to make by now. I guess I feel as though I have taken some huge steps backwards and that is very frustrating. Its up to me to begin stepping forward but I feel sort of lost as to how. I think a mistake I'm making is always looking for a sign or a person to tell me what I should do. The answers, however, will only be able to come from me.

Long Overdue

So I've known I should write for a while, as I've had the desire to share my story in written form for quite a few years. What made me finally jump the gun and DO IT already? I was laid off from my job two months ago this Tuesday. Now, I know what you could be thinking: two months isn't that bad; getting laid off isn't that uncommon in today's economy; etc. Well, let me explain me. I have the mindset of a highly insecure teenager and the soul of a 50-something woman and I'm awkwardly battling between the two in my 29-year-old body. In every area of my life, I lack confidence. Except, up to two months ago, my career. Amazingly, I always had this out of body confidence with my professional success. Jobs came very easy to me, as did praise from my bosses and peers. I was often on cloud 9 at work, and I felt the most confident and comfortable there. I was, in essence, a cocky little piece of --- poo. Now, I wasn't in love with my last job. I felt that the politics of the organization didn't mesh well with my personal value system, and I found that hard to deal with on a daily basis. But, the job paid well, and most people fed into my self-inflated ego with compliments and accolades, so I stayed even though I didn't feel genuine. I had started the job hunt (very passively) and one day, two months ago, I was informed that my job hunt was to become much more active as I was getting laid off. I remember that day that my friend and colleague looked at me and said "Wow, you took that really well!" She was right. I left the room still a cocky little piece of you know what, fully believing that I would have a job in no time. I even managed to secure an interview two days later, further inflating my ego. I went on said interview and it wasn't a good match, but I still felt like I was on a cloud until more time started to pass and I wasn't hearing anything from anyone. Nobody wanted me and I started to feel like a failure. The other part about me that you need to know is that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. In fact, they are the reasons I wanted to start writing- so maybe I could help other people who were feeling alone or lost with those same issues. True to form, I never started writing. I will talk more about anxiety and depression in future posts, but I'd also like to focus on the psychological process of getting laid off since that is so prevalent in my life at this moment. The entire process to me, thus far, has felt like dating. You're in this relationship for a long time and you thought he was the one at first, then the longer you're together you realize you don't quite fit. But, it's not 'bad' and you're 'comfortable', so you stay. You think to yourself 'I want to break up' but you just never do. Then, one day, he dumps you. Your first thought is "Good, I wanted to leave him any way!" but then the ego hits and says "Wait a minute, he didn't want me..." and "I didn't get to do this on MY terms." Us folks with anxiety are control freaks, so the terms thing still has me outta whack. Just like a break up, you go through such a huge emotional roller coaster- crying, wanting to watch sad movies and soap operas, sleeping too much, staying up too late (look at the time of this post!), eating too much and then too little, venting, worrying, and obsessing. What I can say I have learned in the past two months is how very important faith and prayer are during this process. I'm open minded and don't care what or who you believe in, but I don't know how you can make it without some type of faith. On a personal note, I believe in God and pray every night for help and guidance. I believe that I was put on this world for a good reason and I pray that God helps guide me in the right direction, wherever that may be. I also write in a journal on a nightly basis about my emotions and what happened throughout the day. This helps me keep track of the entire process as I have terrible short-term memory so I like to look back on what really happened. The second thing is finding SOMETHING that you can do, on your own, that makes you happy. I decided to start volunteering at a local retirement community. I had the voice in the back of my head telling me to do this for YEARS, and, true to form, I didn't do it (see: blog). I decided I was out of excuses with my newly found free time, so I now go twice a week for three hours at a time. I have found this to be extremely helpful because for those few hours, I have to focus on others and help them. I have always adored the older community and I enjoy connecting with them and making them smile. Making them smile, in turn, makes my soul and spirit feel happy and more connected to myself. I see volunteering as a very important aspect of my life and something I simply must maintain as a part of my happiness. I also look forward to raising my future children to know the importance and fun of volunteering. That may not be much but those are two of the biggest lessons I've learned so far during these first two months of unemployment. I will definitely be sharing more experiences and feelings in hopes of helping others who may be going through something similar.