Feeling Hopeful

So I recently tried out another new Therapist. An older male this time. His name is Robert and he has a very warm energy about him. I liked his relaxing energy (and would like some of that to rub off on me!) and what he discussed in our session. He kept saying he could work with me to 'unpack' my emotional issues. I am so relieved as I feel that is so very necessary. This week I also tried acupuncture for the first time and WOW, do I suck at 'relaxing' or what? Of course I went in there sooo anxious. The acupuncturist (as most normal people would) assumed I was anxious about the needles. No, I'm fine with needles. I was anxious about the 'relaxation' part. You see, I have never purposefully meditated, or done yoga, or anything similar because the idea of 'relaxation' has always made me tremendously uncomfortable. Now I have spent 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, for as long as I can remember, in a state of constant 'on edge', tense, stressed feeling. That is 'comfort' to me. I define comfort as what I know, and uncomfortable is taking me outside that box. Well, of course she put the needles in, shut off the lights, and encouraged me to 'relax'. YIKES. My mind started spinning crazy fast, and I wanted to jump off that table and run out of the room. I kept trying to breathe and of course felt like I couldnt, and my hands were so sweaty and tingly. Somehow, I was able to calm myself down enough to not jump off the table, and actually slow my heartrate down to a normal pace (which it doesn't see too often). The Acupuncturist was impressed when she returned. For the next treatment, she asked me to turn onto my stomach and I immediately felt like I was going to throw up (one of my biggest obsessions and fears) but, as usual, I didn't. I made it through that treatment as well, finding it a bit easier than the first time to calm down my racing mind. Wow, acuopuncture stirred up a lot of emotional and physical reactions within me...my eyes started watering pretty much immediately and I felt energy moving all around my body. This was scary, yes. I'm still scared. Change is scary. However, I decided that this year I will take my life into my hands, and into God's, and do everything I can to get off medicine. This article for me, summed up so much of what everyone struggles with regarding mental illness, especially the meds. I highly encourage you to read: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-everyone-gets-wrong-about-mental-illness/ Here's to hope.

Dating Again

So as mentioned in my last post I am 'dating' again, which is what I like to call searching for a new Therapist. It reminds me of dating in so many ways- making dates then sitting down and chatting to see if you're a good match. I tried out the first new person last week and it didn't feel right. I'm going to sound so knitpicky when I say why, but it is what it is. She was nice, but she kept saying "yea" while I was talking, obsessively, in the middle of my sentences. It was quite distracting. I gave her a lot of good initial information about myself, and she seemed stumped as to what to say so she kept asking me "What else about you?" I was running out of things to say! I was really hoping for some feedback on things I had already said. I was going to give her another chance (second appt) but the more I thought about it, I really know what I like and what I don't like. I'm going to try going back to a male therapist which is what I had before, and I liked the counter balance of his personality with mine. I have made an appt with a male therapist for this Monday evening, so I'll follow up with an evaluation. In the meantime, I'm still on the same meds but I will have to do something about them pretty soon. I'll have to find a Psychiatrist or see if my primary care doctor can provide me with refills. We'll see what happens. I'm also trying acupuncture for the first time next week. I'm nervous about it but figure it's worth a shot, as a lot of people have recommended it for me. In bigger news, I finally bit the bullet and scheduled my MRI for my TMJ issues to take place in early February. I've taken a lot of initial steps to try to get myself healthier in 2014, so now it comes down to following through on everything.

Mid Week Check in

So last night was really hard for me to fall asleep. I was physically tired, but mentally was wide awake and my mind felt like it was spinning all these negative thoughts. I took a relaxing bath and tried breathing in lavendar scent but I just couldn't get relaxed for the longest time. I had to pray really hard and ask for God's assistance. Finally around 2:30-3am I fell asleep. At 5pm is my first appt with a new Therapist. I am optimistic and cautious at the same time- how does that make sense? I am happy to be trying someone new, and someone who (I'm assuming) is faith-based (her office is in a church) so hopefully her value system is more in sync with mine, and hopefully she can help me with my huge goal of getting off medication in a healthy way. We'll see. I'm going to be optimistic about 2014 being a huge year of positive but tough change for me. I need it. At the same time, I remember how difficult it was when I first started this journey four years ago to find someone who matched what I wanted in a Therapist. I had to go to so many that weren't a match. So, as mentioned, I am optimistic but also cautiously guarded and well aware that she may be my first of many Therapist trials in 2014. I will certainly keep everyone updated along the way. I am also not 100% sure that she does both therapy and medication management. This combination (to my dismay) is very hard to find. Usually, therapists do therapy then you go to a Psychiatrist who talks to you for 10 minutes and wants to shove pills down your throat. Pills that are scary and have scary side effects. Pills that change your brain chemistry. My apologies as I do not feel comfortable taking brain-altering chemicals for someone that only talked to me for 10 minutes. There are so many wrong things with the way mental health care is set up as it is set up to make it very difficult for those who need the help to get it. Its confusing, expensive, and often you wind up going to a Psychiatrist who is more interested in the scientific effects in your brain that what you are really dealing with day to day. There are so many changes that need to be made and I hope to see some in my lifetime, including: 1. Psychiatrists and Therapists aren't seperate people, they are the SAME person. Therefore, to be a Psychiatrist, you must also be interested in talking with and helping people on an emotional level 2. Standardized pricing. Psychiatrists don't have to accept insurance and the really good ones charge $250 EACH APPT or sometimes more. This to me is absurd. There needs to be a reasonable price and/or they should have to accept insurance. 3. Ratings. You can go to Angies List or etc to find out about a Plumber, but you have to go to a Therapist or Psychiatrist completely blind. So, if tons of other patients have had a bad experience, you then have to experience it. This is also absurd and there needs to be a way to find out who is a strong, viable resource for patients. And this resource needs to be free. Those are just three of my initial changes, if I were ever to become President :). I will remain hopeful that mental health care will continue to improve throughout my life time, and that if my children (whenever I have them) inherit my depression and/or anxiety, they will have a much better support system through society.

Tension

So I decided to decrease my medicine. I have not seen my old Therapist. That was a bad decision and I realize I shouldn't have done it on my own. I knew if I saw him he would tell me not to change the dose, or to increase it, or try a new medicine. I am not interested in any of those alternatives. I WANT OFF MEDS. Unfortunately, I am feeling a lot of physical and mental side effects from decreasing. I have cut my dose in half, which is what he had mentioned to me would be the first step if I were to completely go off meds. Since reducing them to half a dose, I have felt incredibly stressed and tense all.the.time. My back is literally in pain and it feels like its knotted up from stress. I remember this feeling from before I was on meds. I also feel incredibly on edge and stressed out for no apparent reason. This is the part of my disease that is the hardest to deal with. On or off meds, I never feel happy, relaxed, or comfortable. So what's better? I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I really feel at a loss as to what to do. Do I go back onto meds to ease the back pain, but still feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy that I'm on meds or do I stay off the meds and risk feeling physically worse than I do now? It's times like these that I feel like I'm so incredibly lost. My husband is urging me to listen to the medical professionals and not make any changes unless I'm under someone's care. I think he is right as it is risky to do it yourself (as much as you want to). I see my new Therapist starting tomorrow night. I know she may not be able to advise me on meds right off the bat, but hopefully it can be a start. Last night, my husband asked me what I was looking forward to and I had no response. That is depression in a nutshell. I need to feel hopeful again.

Getting Divorced in 2014

Today I came across a blog post about 'Getting Divorced' in 2014. It sounds like a great idea and I am joining this movement. No, I'm not leaving my spouse either. I plan to work on 'unplugging' myself from my addiction to my phone and the internet, and be in the moment much more than I am now. One of my more important Divorce decisions is something that I wanted to do in 2013, but knew 2014 would be the right year to make it happen. After 3+ years, I am 'divorcing' my current Therapist. He has helped me, a lot, over the past 3+ years. However, after all this time, I am still not where I want to be mentally, and I want to continue growing. Looking back on my time with this particular Therapist, he has been encouraging me to stay on ati-depressant medication. When I initially went to see him, I agreed that I really did need it. After all this time, however, I feel it has lost its positive effect on my life. I also strive to be a Mother one day, and I am way too paranoid to try to get pregnant while I have any kind of medication in my system. I was okay being on medicine while I was but long-term it's just not for me. I'm not for or against medicine, I think it's up to each individual person. For me, I really want to rely on my Faith and in myself to help get me to a better place. I want to nourish my soul and my mind, and work on being a more positive and happier person. This feels right as medicine has not felt right for a while. I need to listen to myself and give this a try. Looking back, I can also recall quite a few times when my Therapist would have a smug grin on his face when I would say something, almost like he was going to laugh at me. On the inside, I was very offended by this. However, I actively avoid confrontation and never stand up for myself, so I never mentioned it. There was also quite a few times that he would accuse me of being 'pissed' (i.e. "O, did I just piss you off?") or he would say it more bluntly. Confused, I would say "No, you didn't" because he didn't. Maybe I look pissed when I am thinking or processing a thought. I honestly have no idea. I need someone who 'gets' me and sure as hell doesn't actively offend me. Unfortunately, finding a Therapist is very similar to dating because it sucks. You call people, wait for a call back, sometimes it doesn't happen. Sometimes you talk via phone or email, or once in person, and you realize it's just not going to work out. And so your search continues. Then, when you find the right person (as I thought I had), sometimes time and changes within yourself and your life cause you to realize that they no longer match those changes the way you need them to, and that is okay. I make it harder on myself to find someone because I look for someone who does both therapy and medication meanagement, a very hard combination to find. Most therapists won't talk meds, and most Psychiatrists want to talk to you for 5-10 minutes and then tell you to get on something. I am most comfortable with a person willing to do both, and of course those people usually don't accept insurance because, simply, they don't have to. After much research I have my first appt with a new Therapist coming up later this month. It's a woman, and she's based out of a church, so it will be more of a spiritual therapy (I'm assuming). I am looking forward to trying something new, and at the same time very prepared to continue working on this and continue the search. Life is worth it.