I sat here thinking tonight of how I shouldn't come back to this blog and how no one probably reads it any way. How it's been too long and I hadn't kept up with it and I will inevitably fall off the bandwagon again so what's the point. Then I thought about how that is classic mental illness. Wanting to do something then stopping oneself with worry and inner turmoil. I also thought about the one person who might happen to come across this and feel less alone. This is for you.
Today was the crappiest of all time crap. Physically, I've had chest congestion going on for about two weeks- I got on antibiotics last week which seemed to make me feel worse. The Dr. suggested I go for a chest X-ray today so I jumped at the chance- it's been in the back of my mind for probably at least two years that I've had some sort of foreign object in my lungs- my chest feels heavy and I'm always tired. Of course, results came back that my chest was fine. I had a flash back to several years ago when I was fully convinced something was wrong with my stomach to the point where I put myself through several tests (x-rays, colonoscopy, endoscopy, just to name a few) and all came back negative. Then, I got on Lexapro and after I adjusted to it my stomach ailments magically went away. I had the realization that I have been prisoner to my thoughts for my entire life of 31 years. I have a choice: how much more time do I want to serve? It can easily turn into a life sentence. I find myself back in that place now, feeling physically and mentally ill, and not sure which way is up and how to get there. Hopefully coming back to this blog is one way to start.
About a month ago I made the decision to come off of my anti depressant medication. While it did help me initially, I felt that recently it was not really helping me to the point where the help outweighed the side effects. I also have the innate strong desire to be a mother and realized that I did not feel safe achieving that dream if I were to remain on medication- too many potential side effects to worry about. Note that this is MY PERSONAL BELIEF. I ultimately believe that everyone should research, listen to their doctor and their gut. I am simply sharing my thoughts but not advising- I'm far from a Doctor!
While the transition off has been quite the roller coaster I have no regrets about it. My depression has resurfaced making it harder for me to be at peace and enjoy things, but I am noticing everything in stride and doing my best to combat it. My anxiety also resurfaced with fears of sleeping returning and the fear of amajor medical condition (something in my lungs). It's quite amazing to me how powerfully stress manifests itself into ones physical body.
Now I find myself at a cross roads where change is needed but how and where do I go? Currently I've been seeing a Therapist weekly for over the past year, and while I have felt benefits from seeing her there is also stress involved with the commute and I have been questioning lately if the stress is more than the benefit. I have come to realize that I am a very spiritual being and may find more comfort in going to someone who operates on the same spiritual realm. I am not completely sure...I plan to pray on it, a lot.
One thing I did a few months ago was attend an Emotions Anonymous meeting. I found this to be a very valuable use of my time. I also took the opportunity to purchase the book and workbook they were selling at that meeting. The few times I have opened the book to read and work on activities I have felt as though they were speaking right to me. This is definitely a resource I'd recommend to anyone going through something similar to myself.
Another positive resource I found is Yoga Nidra. I heard about this through my Therapist and I must say the few times I have done it I find it to be wonderful for my overall mentality. Much like most things that are good for me I stray from it easily. There are even free samples of this practice on Youtube- I recommend you try before going to sleep at night. It's normal to want to avoid it- the last place we want to be is within ourselves. It's also normal to want to judge yourself as that is our full time job (isn't it?) but try your best to be patient, calm, and really give it a strong effort. You may be as amazed as I was. I made the investment into taking a class in June and left feeling the most positive I've felt in a long time. I plan to try to take another class in July.
Long story short, this is infact a lifelong battle and you have to equip yourself with all the tools necessary to stand a fighting chance. I will continue to update this blog about my experience in hopes that maybe I can help one person feel that they aren't the only one going through something similar.
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