Taking the Trash Out

My husband and I sat on the couch together Sunday evening and he said "I really enjoyed this weekend." I saw his genuine smile and the light in his eyes. My first thought was "What? How? This weekend was far from good." My mind quickly began going back over how for most of the weekend I was tired, feeling congested, and obsessing over how something 'must be' physically wrong with me. Then I realized something pretty significant. I am a believer in 'The Secret' aka the law of attraction yet I had been saying out loud ALL weekend how tired I was, and how something must be wrong with me. Better yet, for the 100 times I said something out loud there were at least 500 more that the thoughts were running through my head with immense power. According to the law of attraction, I am making myself feel like crap by giving all of these thoughts so much power. I started crying because I felt bad that I was so negative after he had been so positive, and I was upset that my natural reaction is to be that negative. I have embraced crying as of late and see it as a healthy form of release. I then decided that starting today I would take out the trash, aka the obsessive negative self depricating thoughts, and focus on the positive.

I started my day off by going to work...a job I less than admire. I made it in on time and put a good effort in to get things done. While I wasn't 'thrilled' to be there I was there. I caught myself drifting into the dream land of 'what job do I want?' thinking and would try to pull myself back in and focus on the tasks at hand. It wasn't easy, especially when I hit a mental wall around 3pm. I stayed until 5pm and then eagerly rushed out the door. For today, that was an accomplishment.

I still feel as though I am floundering with 100 thoughts in my mind at any given moment- what should I do to be happy? What should I be when I grow up? When (if ever) will I feel ready to be a Mom? And many more. On Friday morning I tried out a craniosacral massage- very light touch and also spiritual- meant to remove blockages from your body. I found the process to be very interesting and noted that it did cause my anxiety to surface quickly afterward. I worked through it and was able to stick with all the plans I had made for that evening which included visiting a friend. The massage therapist was intuitive and gave me some feedback including that I am too serious about my emotional work and need to balance it out by providing myself with opportunities for fun. True to nature after she said that I sat there and thought seriously about what I could do to give myself fun...hmm, there goes that thinking again. At the same time I am trying to be nicer to myself and cut myself some slack as I go through all of these changes. I'm a work in progress.