The Real Cover Letter

Last week I went on an interview for a pretty high level job. I felt that I didn't do well answering the interview questions as the job had some strong aspects in a field I am very unfamiliar with. I guess I did better than I thought as they called me back yesterday to offer me a second interview. I politely declined, as the job was a bit too far away from my home base with a long, frustrating commute and the job was not interesting enough to make the commute worthwhile. Today I found myself thinking "What if, when we applied to a job, we were HONEST and laid it out there on the table? What would that look like?" So far I have only been honest about my mental health in one job interview, and that was because it was a job for a nonprofit mental health organization. That went really well and I was offered the job, but I declined due to severe pay cut and lack of potential growth. Any who, I imagine a real cover letter would look something like this: Dear (Employer), Hello, my name is (Name) and I am writing to express my interest in (Position). I bring with me 31 years of experience in handling anxiety and depression on a non-stop, daily basis. Out of these 31 years, I have a solid 17 years of holding a part or full time job while masking any symptoms to my employers. I will come across extremely professional and confident but please know that I usually don't like myself. On the outside I am smiling and speaking with confidence and poise while inside I am screaming for yours, or anyone's, approval. This is impossible to fully attain as the approval I actually seek is from myself. My anxiety will worsen on occasion that you ask me to sit through a meeting, particularly a long one. While you discuss the work related material the meeting was set up for, I will be sitting there wiping the clamminess from my palms, trying to slow down my racing heart, breathing deeply, staring at the clock, and plotting my escape. I will also be wondering how you react when I inevitably throw up on the table, pass out on the floor, or just run out the door at high speed. I feel much better when I am in control of the situation and can come and go as I please. I must be able to leave the office at Tuesday promptly at 5pm to attend my weekly cognitive behavioral therapy session. I must also be allowed to leave early one afternoon every 3 months for a medicine check in with my Psychiatrist. Please do not ask me to attend any work lunches or especially dinners as the anxiety I experience during a meeting gets much higher in these settings. If you can accept me for me, there are a few good things as well. My consistent state of anxiousness comes in handy during a crisis. In times that most people are very anxious and scattered (i.e. natural disaster, etc) I am remarkably calm. I am also very empathetic and understanding, trying to help others overcome any insecurities they experience. Despite being a shy introvert at heart, I have a love for performing on stage and public speaking. Even more than that, I love making people smile and laugh. Thank you for the opportunity to be honest and accepted for me. Sincerely, (Name)