This past weekend involved a trip away with my husband. Weather was very nice and activities were (designed to be) relaxing. So, what do I do? I continue to make myself feel like crap by continuing to live in crapland in my mind. The majority of the weekend while my husband was relaxing and having fun I was too busy occupied in my own head with relentless, self sabotaging thoughts.
This weekend reminded me of why I decided to get on medicine several years back. I feel so mentally ill and, as a result, physcially ill as well. It is very taxing and exhausting, and I don't know how to get out of something that seems to have taken over my mind, body, and spirit. I know getting back onto medicine (at least right now) is not the right move for me. I would not feel comfortable becoming pregnant while on medicine for fear of potential side effects. However, I absolutely refuse to pass on these traits (genetically speaking) and also model depressive/anxious behaviors in front of my children. So, I'm at a catch 22 and not sure how to move forward. The idea of not being able to be a Mom haunts me and kills my spirit.
Overall, I feel that my depression and anxiety are feeling very powerful as of late and tearing down any happiness I have. They are fighting me really hard as they do not want to go anywhere, since they have been very powerful over me for my entire lifespan.
At this point, I am wondering which way is up and questioning how to get there. I feel that I have no other option to do but to pray.
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