Yesterday I had a great day- I had finished reading Shadows in the Sun, a memoir about a woman who struggled with crippling mental illness and overcame it. I was so in awe of her strength that I wrote her a quick 'thank you' email, truly not expecting any type of response. Imagine my shock when she called me- pretty much immediately- upon receiving my email. She was so nice, positive, and I was shocked that she took the initiative to reach out. I felt so uplifted and inspired, thinking 'this could be me' as I have the innate desire to connect with people and make a positive difference.
Then, true to form, my anxiety resurfaced last evening and I don't believe I got a restful sleep (I 'sleep' but I don't believe I reach the deepest levels of sleep as my restless mind interferes). I wake up this morning with no motivation to get out of bed. I just want to stay home, and lay down, all day. I have nothing to do, and nothing to contribute, so why bother. The rationale of having bills to pay forces me out of bed to get ready for work. But I am generally just dissatisfied and empty.
Again I am not looking forward to anything, especially the holidays and my birthday which are all approaching in the upcoming weeks. This year they seem to be a reminder of my lack of accomplishments and many personal failures. I feel very wek within myself and just so tired. I even feel lame writing this blog post- like UGH, pull yourself together! But, that is easier said than done. My only hope is that someone might read this and might feel less alone. I feel very alone.
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