Tension

So I decided to decrease my medicine. I have not seen my old Therapist. That was a bad decision and I realize I shouldn't have done it on my own. I knew if I saw him he would tell me not to change the dose, or to increase it, or try a new medicine. I am not interested in any of those alternatives. I WANT OFF MEDS. Unfortunately, I am feeling a lot of physical and mental side effects from decreasing. I have cut my dose in half, which is what he had mentioned to me would be the first step if I were to completely go off meds. Since reducing them to half a dose, I have felt incredibly stressed and tense all.the.time. My back is literally in pain and it feels like its knotted up from stress. I remember this feeling from before I was on meds. I also feel incredibly on edge and stressed out for no apparent reason. This is the part of my disease that is the hardest to deal with. On or off meds, I never feel happy, relaxed, or comfortable. So what's better? I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I really feel at a loss as to what to do. Do I go back onto meds to ease the back pain, but still feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy that I'm on meds or do I stay off the meds and risk feeling physically worse than I do now? It's times like these that I feel like I'm so incredibly lost. My husband is urging me to listen to the medical professionals and not make any changes unless I'm under someone's care. I think he is right as it is risky to do it yourself (as much as you want to). I see my new Therapist starting tomorrow night. I know she may not be able to advise me on meds right off the bat, but hopefully it can be a start. Last night, my husband asked me what I was looking forward to and I had no response. That is depression in a nutshell. I need to feel hopeful again.