Muddled

Excuse my french, but I've been feeling like shit lately. I've also been hiding out again not wanting anyone to know the true depths of darkness that sit inside me. Before typing that first sentence, for instance, I felt guilty. "What if I offend someone?" "I don't want to come acorss like this horrible negative person" "I wouldn't want to be around someone like this." There is so much constant guilt, agony, and torment I impose on myself because of how I feel. Truth is, I am swinging from the ups and downs, highs and lows, and it's just unbearable. I don't want to see a Therapist or Psychiatrist because they will tell me to get back on medicine. While I do agree that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain, I also think so many of my issues stem from within my core/gut, as that is the place where they physicaly manifest themselves insids of my body. So to me medicine is like wearing a sling but no cast for a broken arm. Without the cast or sometimes surgery you can't fully heal. Medicine did help the part in my brain and at the times it seemed to work it had me feeling more hopeful about my life than I do currently feel. However, it never addressed the deep rooted issues I store within my core/gut, as it was not designed to do so. Winter has felt very rough and everything in my life feels like a giant vat of misery and stress. While I am still trying to do my best and maintain a smile so that no one knows the reality of how psycho I truly am, I feel that I am starting to lose it, one string at a time. I find myself thinking about Heath Ledger and Robin Williams. Maybe I'll just completely lose it then people will finally understand the hell I endured in my mind every day. My intuition/inner guiding light has been completely covered by the darkness which has taken over. Life feels unbearable. I understand why people do end it on their own accord.

Again, writing this plagues me with so much guilt that I feel this way when, on the outside, I appear to have a great life. This is mental illness. If I don't survive it, maybe someone will read this one day and it will save them. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will be able to survive. For now it's one day at a time and this is how it feels on a particularly dark one.