Against the crowd

So tonight is New Year's Eve. My husband and I have plans to go to a dance with a few other couples. True to form, I started getting nervous about hanging out with my peers as I always feel socially awkward. Then today has really set off my anxiety to FULL SPEED AHEAD. I found out everyone else in our area is taking a shuttle. In their minds, this is the best way so that they don't have to worry about drinking and driving. To me, the idea of a shuttle is seriously hell. Getting into a vehicle stuck with other people for at least 30 mins each way and then being stuck at the party until the shuttle is coming to pick you up. Losing your control. Also I am prone to car sickness so of course I think about that. The idea of just saying "Hey, let's get on a shuttle!" and being happy about it is as foreign to me as another language. The worst part is, no one understands. To my husband, it's no big deal. I've tried to explain it to him, but he will never know the hell I go through in my head. Now that I've said no to the shuttle, I am worried about how weird it looks for us to be the only couple not on the shuttle. I also worry that his friends think I am a snob who is trying to take my husband away from their group. They have no idea how much I am suffering inside of my head. If I tell them, I'm then that crazy chick that their friend married. Despite my best efforts to not be trapped in that shuttle tonight, I am always trapped in the personal hell that is my anxiety and depression. I am always judging myself. Always worried I am making my husband suffer because of my disease. Always obsessed with everything. The stress causes me to feel physically ill, which of course makes everything worse. I feel sick to my stomach. Nobody even knows on the outside. This is my disease at its worst. This is when it feels like a true mental illness.