Medicine

Today I went to see my Therapist. I started seeing him over four years ago because I was feeling really depressed. At the time, I really appreciated him because he took the time to explain to me more information about medicine and actually made me comfortable enough to start taking Lexapro. That was a HUGE deal because I am very afraid of all medicines- even basic ones like Tylenol. I just hate putting chemicals into my body. Any way, I started on the Lexapro journey having myself convinced that I would only need it for about a year and then would be able to wean off of it. Well, here we are over four years later and I'm still on it. At first, the Lexapro really did help. I noticed a lift in my mood and my friends and loved ones noticed I was more positive, and I felt more positive too. However, the past year, I have felt like the medicine is no longer really helping. As my Therapist stated, it has probably overextended its welcome. At my appointment tonight my Therapist suggested I try switching to Cymbalta but I am not sure what I am going to do yet. On a personal level, I really want to be free of taking any anti-depression medication. Due to my feelings on medicine, I really have no desire to be on it for the rest of my life. At the same time, I'm really afraid of becoming more depressed than I already am. So, I really have to pray on this and make the best decision and do what feels right to me. I am planning to either completely ween off of Lexapro or switch to Cymbalta, and I need to start that change (whichever change I decide) as soon as possible since I know what I am doing right now is not working. I remember over four years ago when I got the prescription for Lexapro and I was so deathly afraid to take it. I was pretty convinced it was going to kill me in my sleep. I remember taking the first pill and praying to God that I would live to see the next day. The idea of completely leaving the medicine I have been on for over four years is really scary. You grow to know it and it becomes a part of you. I had also thought about looking for a new Therapist that would be more encouraging for me to come off of medicine, but I have had a very difficult time finding someone new. When I go into my appointments, I do feel that my Therapist knows me very well and is able to help me re-frame my thinking in a more healthy manner. At the same time, I have definitely not made the amount of progress that I would have liked to make by now. I guess I feel as though I have taken some huge steps backwards and that is very frustrating. Its up to me to begin stepping forward but I feel sort of lost as to how. I think a mistake I'm making is always looking for a sign or a person to tell me what I should do. The answers, however, will only be able to come from me.