Long Overdue

So I've known I should write for a while, as I've had the desire to share my story in written form for quite a few years. What made me finally jump the gun and DO IT already? I was laid off from my job two months ago this Tuesday. Now, I know what you could be thinking: two months isn't that bad; getting laid off isn't that uncommon in today's economy; etc. Well, let me explain me. I have the mindset of a highly insecure teenager and the soul of a 50-something woman and I'm awkwardly battling between the two in my 29-year-old body. In every area of my life, I lack confidence. Except, up to two months ago, my career. Amazingly, I always had this out of body confidence with my professional success. Jobs came very easy to me, as did praise from my bosses and peers. I was often on cloud 9 at work, and I felt the most confident and comfortable there. I was, in essence, a cocky little piece of --- poo. Now, I wasn't in love with my last job. I felt that the politics of the organization didn't mesh well with my personal value system, and I found that hard to deal with on a daily basis. But, the job paid well, and most people fed into my self-inflated ego with compliments and accolades, so I stayed even though I didn't feel genuine. I had started the job hunt (very passively) and one day, two months ago, I was informed that my job hunt was to become much more active as I was getting laid off. I remember that day that my friend and colleague looked at me and said "Wow, you took that really well!" She was right. I left the room still a cocky little piece of you know what, fully believing that I would have a job in no time. I even managed to secure an interview two days later, further inflating my ego. I went on said interview and it wasn't a good match, but I still felt like I was on a cloud until more time started to pass and I wasn't hearing anything from anyone. Nobody wanted me and I started to feel like a failure. The other part about me that you need to know is that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. In fact, they are the reasons I wanted to start writing- so maybe I could help other people who were feeling alone or lost with those same issues. True to form, I never started writing. I will talk more about anxiety and depression in future posts, but I'd also like to focus on the psychological process of getting laid off since that is so prevalent in my life at this moment. The entire process to me, thus far, has felt like dating. You're in this relationship for a long time and you thought he was the one at first, then the longer you're together you realize you don't quite fit. But, it's not 'bad' and you're 'comfortable', so you stay. You think to yourself 'I want to break up' but you just never do. Then, one day, he dumps you. Your first thought is "Good, I wanted to leave him any way!" but then the ego hits and says "Wait a minute, he didn't want me..." and "I didn't get to do this on MY terms." Us folks with anxiety are control freaks, so the terms thing still has me outta whack. Just like a break up, you go through such a huge emotional roller coaster- crying, wanting to watch sad movies and soap operas, sleeping too much, staying up too late (look at the time of this post!), eating too much and then too little, venting, worrying, and obsessing. What I can say I have learned in the past two months is how very important faith and prayer are during this process. I'm open minded and don't care what or who you believe in, but I don't know how you can make it without some type of faith. On a personal note, I believe in God and pray every night for help and guidance. I believe that I was put on this world for a good reason and I pray that God helps guide me in the right direction, wherever that may be. I also write in a journal on a nightly basis about my emotions and what happened throughout the day. This helps me keep track of the entire process as I have terrible short-term memory so I like to look back on what really happened. The second thing is finding SOMETHING that you can do, on your own, that makes you happy. I decided to start volunteering at a local retirement community. I had the voice in the back of my head telling me to do this for YEARS, and, true to form, I didn't do it (see: blog). I decided I was out of excuses with my newly found free time, so I now go twice a week for three hours at a time. I have found this to be extremely helpful because for those few hours, I have to focus on others and help them. I have always adored the older community and I enjoy connecting with them and making them smile. Making them smile, in turn, makes my soul and spirit feel happy and more connected to myself. I see volunteering as a very important aspect of my life and something I simply must maintain as a part of my happiness. I also look forward to raising my future children to know the importance and fun of volunteering. That may not be much but those are two of the biggest lessons I've learned so far during these first two months of unemployment. I will definitely be sharing more experiences and feelings in hopes of helping others who may be going through something similar.